25+ Things

I did this on Facebook and figured I would cross-post here. I have a added a few.

1. My children are the most important people in my life. The mere thought of losing them send me into a tailspin.
2. I've been engaged 3 times in my life, twice to the same person.
3. No matter how many years pass, I will never be comfortable with my kids or me participating Christmas.
4. I have never had a perm.
5. I am making new friends for the first time in nearly a decade and love it.
6. I have never traveled through Europe.
7. I desperately want to travel through Europe.
8. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do when I grow up.
9. Both my children have middle names in honor of a great-grandparent.
10. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had taken greater risks with my education and career.
11. I wish my kids had cousins and I fear they never will.
12. I forgive too easily.
13. I think I am a good mom.
14. I hate beer. The taste, the smell, all of it.
15. Allergies have robbed me of the ability to really enjoy summer.
16. I don't bake.
17. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my family and friends enjoy a meal I cooked for them.
18. I'm terrible at spending time alone. Always have been.
19. I'm a control-freak. Being out of control stresses me out tremendously.
20. Because of #19, I hate surprises.
21. The sex of both of my children was a surprise at birth, by choice.
22. My 6-word essay is: Family of four, room for more?
23. I wish Dylan called me "mama" rather than "mommy."
24. I have fantastic friends.
25. I have a wonderful and supportive family.
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26. I am afraid I will never really find my "circle."
27. The song "Silent Night" makes me cry. Instantly.
28. I keep this blog relatively private by design.
29. I check to make sure my kids are breathing every night before I go to bed.
30. I'm terribly scared of what the future may bring right now.
31. My children can break my heart in an instant.
32. My children can make my heart soar in an instant.
33. I am ridden with guilt and insecurity.
34. I don't worry about what people think of me, I worry how what I say/do will affect them.
35. I'm almost always lonely. Especially in groups.

Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: One
1. New Friends
2. Kisses from babies.
3. Hugs from big boys.
4. The kids sleeping in this morning.
5. Diet Lipton Green Tea with Citrus.

Hope

For the first time in a long time I have hope for the future. For the future of this country, for the future of my children, for my own personal future. I have hope that my children won't know the racism my generation knew growing up. I have hope they won't know the extent of war our generation has known.

I'm not foolish, I know things won't change overnight. I know it will take time, but God how we need this change. We need to the future of our country to know that "you can do anything or be anyone" isn't just lip service. That no matter what your race or religion or gender it won't stand in the way of people allowing you to accomplish great things.

I listened to Barack Obama speak this morning and was filled with hope. And I can only hope the rest of the world is too.

Po's Dumplings

Mommy, do you know what Po [of Kung Fu Panda fame] likes to do with his dumplings?

Wondering

I have spent a lot of time lately wondering. Wondering about all sorts of things in my life. What will I really do when I grow up? Is my son normal? Is my daughter happy? Am I good mom, a good wife, friend, sister, daughter?

I feel uncertain. I am unemployed. I don't do well when I don't work. I need to feel like I play a role outside the walls of my home. I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know if my next move will be positive. I don't know how I will fill the days while my children are at daycare (so we don't lose our spots) and my husband is working.

I'm scared. We aren't in a financial position to be on one income. If we were, I probably wouldn't be working full-time in the first place. I don't know how we will make it without sacrificing the very things in life that keep me sane. Entertaining, socializing. I don't know how to live without those things. I don't know how to be balanced without socializing and seeing people I'm not related to.

I'm sitterless. My mother broke her ankle and is not going to be able to watch my kids for about 3 months. I have no other evening/weekend child care support. We're very spoiled and very accustomed to having time without our kids.

I know it will all work out, but right now I feel like crawling in a hole and having a break down. Which I can't do because my mother is here.

99 Things...(AKA I have a lot to do!)

Copy and paste this to your blog and bold the ones that you HAVE done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (does jr. high count??)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie/commercial/tvshow
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Kindergarten Revisited

I had a lot of fears about Dylan and kindergarten. How well would he adjust, would he make friends, would he succeed? I am very happy to report they have all gone unfounded. He is a wonderful, wonderful kid and is genuinely thriving in kindergarten. He's maturing before our very eyes. Growing into a different person with sarcasm, wit, intelligence and compassion. He loves school and we love what it's doing for him.

Rack 'em Up.

Dylan is on a bowling kick thanks to the Wii. We have plastic bowling pins. We bowled a lot this weekend. A friend was over Saturday and they were playing. The following conversation happened:

Fun Auntie Lynne: Rack 'em Rusty.

Dylan: Oh, that was really close but my name is Dylan. (in his best "aren't you so special in the short bus kind of way" voice.)

Kindergarten

D starts kindergarten in about 2 weeks. He couldn't be more excited, I couldn't be more worried. He's an amazing, bright kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all say but it is true. The kid's never had any formal schooling and is reading and writing like a champ. He really has a love of the written word. It's amazing.

At the same time, he's immature. He acts much younger than his age at times. He speaks well and with very adult sentence structure, at times. But he still acts a bit young. I worry he'll get teased, I worry he'll have trouble making friends. I worry he will have his feelings hurt. I worry.

He has a heart of gold. He's sensitive, he's sweet, he's loving. He's going to enter a classroom where he doesn't know anyone and I'm scared for him. Scared for me. Having been in the same daycare since he was 1.5, he only really knows one place. I have never had to leave in the care of someone I didn't know. Someone I wasn't familiar with. With children whose parents I don't know. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. He does take swimming lessons and has done really well there and always makes friends with the other kids there. So he'll be ok.

He has to be.

I take pictures.

Dave: Clara, look, they're sharing an apple!

Clara: Oh, that's adorable.

Dylan: Mommy, would you like to take a picture?

So maybe I take a lot of pictures.

She Walks!

Today, she walked!

So happy together

I was at a first birthday party this weekend when a fellow partier and mom of two asked me, "How do you get any time to yourself when you work full-time?" I had a simple answer - I don't.

I went on to explain that my children are in bed by eight so those few hours a day when they are sleeping and I am not are my hours to myself/my relationship with the husband. It's hard. I don't really see the kids during the week. By the time we get home we get about 30 minutes of playtime and the bath/bed routine begins. It's hard. We get our family time in on the weekends.

Unlike most families I know, we truly travel as a unit on the weekends. Rarely will you find us without one of our members (unless it's the evening and mommy and daddy get playtime). We are a pack, the four of us. We like to be together. We are happiest together. The kids are visibly happiest when all four of us are together. And honestly, so am I.

There is a safety and comfort I feel when I have my family with me that is unparalleled. I feel full of love and happiness. I feel whole. I miss them every moment I am away from them. I am the pathetic girl who can't wait to get home to her husband at the end of a girls' night. The girl who can't wait to drink in the smell of my babies after a night away.

I do enjoy the days when the kids are at daycare and I have some time off work. But not for the solitude. I enjoy them because they allow me to get things done. To clean, to organize, to shop.

I am working on it. I am trying to find myself again. To be able to define myself outside of my nuclear family. A nuclear family in which my role has changed over the last five years from daughter and sister to mother and wife. I'm working on it.

Stats

At 12.5 months Princess Poopy Pants weighed in at 23lbs. 4oz. (75%) and is 31" long (97%). Developing beautifully in every way possible.

So cool and awesome

ME: Dylan, I love you very much.

D: I love you very, very, very much much much.

ME: I love you very, very, very much much much, too.

D: That's so cool and awesome.

1 year

Sasha,

A year ago you came into my world. I became the mother of a daughter. I had "one of each." My mind immediately started racing with all the things we will do together. Like stay up late having our own personal slumber parties. Like talk about boys and why they are dumb. Like play beauty shop and let you turn my hair into a rat's nest resembling Amy Winehouse.

I also started thinking about how you'll hate me when you turn 13. And how that hate won't subside until you're about 20. I hope it doesn't happen this way, but I know it may. I just hope that hate speckles those years rather than dominates them. I thought about all the ways you might be like me. And the ways you might not.

In the last year you have taught me even more about myself. You have turned our worlds upside down with your smiles and laughs and your squeals. You have let us experience all the glory of the first year all over again. I have learned what it's like to be a mother of a daughter and how things are just different. You look at things differently with a same sex child. You relate differently.

My sweet girl. You are smart. Loving. Opinionated. Stubborn. Beautiful. You are light. I see so much of myself in you already it almost scares me.

You are so different from your brother. He's mellow - you're, well, NOT. He's a go with the flow kind of guy, you're a my way or the highway kind of girl. You're a snuggle bug, he liked to spread out. You're independent, he wanted more done for him. He's a mama's boy, and you're a daddy's girl. Unless you are hurt, then only mama can make it better.

There are so many things I wish for you. I want you to be happy. I want you live your version of your dreams - not mine. I want to be wise enough to let you. I want you to be strong - but not solitary. I want you to know that we will ALWAYS have your back. I want to see you and D continue to adore each other the way you do now. I hope you trust me enough to tell me your secrets. I hope I'm strong enough not to judge. For your sake, I hope I've learned from my own mother how to parent a daughter, and how not to.

I love you, baby girl. More than I have the words to express. More than I ever thought possible. I will do anything and everything for you. To keep you safe, you make you strong.

I'm crazy in love with you. My girl.

Winter Wonderland

 

Updates

We have had a lot of doc appointments in the last couple of weeks. We had Sasha's 9-month. She measured an impressive 29.5" and weighs almsot 21 pounds. She's doing very well in terms of development. She's also cruising ahead of her brother in terms of ear tubes. She's getting them next week. Dylan got them right after his first birthday. And so the competition begins...

Dylan had his 5 year appointment last week. He's 48 inches tall which means I will now refer to his height in feet. He's 4 feet tall and weighs about 60 pounds. Also doing well with development. Doc agrees he definitely thinks about things a bit differently than most but it will likely facilitate great creativity in his future. Three cheers for being a non-comformist.

The cute factor in our house has gotten out of control. Sasha thinks Dylan is the funniest human being on earth. Everytime he speaks to her she starts giggling uncontrollably. Seriously, you could die from the cuteness.

5 years.

5 years ago I became a mom. Everything changed. My definition of love, my definition of life, my definition of me. I went from Clara to Dylan's mom. I went from sleepingin on the weekends to getting up before 7 everyday. I became a woman. A parent. A better person.

Thank you my dear boy for teaching me what unconditional love really looks like. What dissapointment really looks like and what beauty really looks like. I didn't know what any of them were before you.

I hope you live your dreams. I hope I am open enough to accept those dreams if they don't coincide with my own for you. Then again, if you're happy, then all my dreams will be realized.

I love you baby. (I mean big boy)

Thanks Diego

Dylan has been into Diego. Diego asks questions like - Does a whale live in the ocean, the forest or the zoo?

This morning D asked me the following:
Do I pee with my hair or my penis?

Thanks Diego.

Ear We Go Again

We went to the pediatrician tonight for the second time in as many nights. I was suspecting and an ear infection for the girl last night and then I was wrong. Tonight I took her back and tonight I was right. This makes #4 for her. This time her recheck won't be at her pediatrician's office. It will be with the ENT. We'll likely get her tubes.

Dylan got tubes shortly after his first birthday. It was the best thing we could have done for him.

I'm so pissed off at the world that we are going through this again. Pissed off that my daughter has been exclusively breast fed since day one and she has had 4 ear infections. Pissed off that my son has 10 by his first bday and was exclusively breast fed until 10.5 months. Pissed off that no matter what I do I can't seem to keep the fucking ear infections away from my babies.

I hope we get in to see the ENT soon. I hope he tells me Sasha will get tubes and I hope that appointment comes sooner rather than later.