Thursday, June 21, 2007

Oh the blues...

I have the baby blues and I think my baby also has the blues.

Sasha is doing well, in general. However, she's still awfully sleepy which can be attributed to the fact that she is, apparently, anemic and still jaundiced. The plan for treatment is "wait and see" for now. She also has reflux which means when she is sleeping she frequently wakes to let out a cry of discomfort. For that, she's on Zantac. We're hoping to see an improvement in her comfort in the next couple of days.

I have the baby blues. I'm really hoping it's not full-fledged PPD, but not entirely sure yet. All in all, things are going well in our little house. Dylan is well adjusted, Dave has been great, Sasha is generally OK. BUT, the combination of sleep deprivation and hormones have produced almost daily crying jags for ME. It's always in the evening when it seems like things are starting to wind down. Not coincidentally, it's also when Sasha goes into her 2-3 hours of cluster feeding every 45 minutes.

I can't even describe what I feel. It's a combination of hopelessness, uselessness, exhaustion, helplessness and failure. I feel I'm failing I'm oldest by not being able to tuck him in before bed some nights because my youngest is nursing. I'm failing my youngest because she has a couple of issues. I'm failing my husband because I'm losing it and can't even get dinner on the table. I'm failing myself because I can't let myself take a night off and sleep in a different room for fear of failing my baby by not nursing her.

I'm also very down about myself physically. I'm not one of those women who feels proud of her body after baby. I see a body which is 6 pounds away from prepreg weight and has been stuck there for 3 weeks. I see a woman who has a saggy belly and veiny boobs. I see love handles which never existed before. Yes, because of the blues I mentioned above, I can't bring myself to do anything about it.

I'm hoping it will all change soon.

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