Thursday, December 17, 2009

Finding Focus

It's been so long since I've been here. Not sure what has been keeping me away. Not sure what is pulling me back.

I've never quite found the focus of this blog. It started as a way to communicate with those far away about the happenings with the boy. Those people never checked. In that time, it's morphed into more. The girl was born. I've gone back and forth with this blog between virtual baby book and virtual journal. I've wanted more readers and wanted absolute privacy. Still not sure what I want that focus to become.

I do know I want to write more. I want to find inspiration again. I want the prose to come to mind again. I want to write more than emails and strategy decks. I want the words to flow.

Monday, October 12, 2009

If I can teach her one thing...'s to believe the words in this poem pertain to her.

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Brotherly Love

This morning Sasha followed Dylan into his room while they were getting ready for the day. She said "Mommy" in my general direction right after I closed the bedroom door for some privacy.

Dylan: Sasha, I'm not Mommy.
S: HAHA, you're mommy!
D: I'm not mommy.
S: You're a baby!
D: You. Out of here.
And he calmly walks her out of his room.

Ah, kids.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Dylan Update

Dylan has had a big summer. He has learned how to ride his bike without training wheels and he can *almost* tie his shoes. He can also read even better than when he left kindergarten.

He's grown up this summer. He still has a way to go in the maturity department, but he's growing up. And still the sweetest kid ever.

The other day he was playing his DS when he wasn't supposed to. Dave and I were both a bit upset with him. I explained that we were disappointed because he did not listen to the rules. He said he forgot. I confirmed that it was ok but please remember next time.

FF to the next morning.

Dylan to Dave: Daddy, are you still mad at me?

Dave: I wasn't mad, not a little disappointed and frustrated.

Dylan: I'll remember the rules.

To me, as I am leaving the house: Mommy, I'm sorry I didn't remember the rules last night. I do better and remember next time.

Seriously, could he possibly be a better kid?


Sasha likes dresses. Not just any dresses, party dresses. They must twirl, too.

Since her party dresses tend to be on the pricey side, we aren't big fans of her wearing them to day care where she frequently sits in the dirt. The dresses are mainly reserved for weekend wear. Last weekend I decided she WOULD wear some cute capri pants and the matching T. We'd had the outfit all summer and I love it. After wrestling the outfit on to her, Sasha proceeded to throw a tantrum. Foot stomping, tears streaming tantrum. During said tantrum she said the following:

I don't wuv it! It's too plain!!! Let's do pink!!!

This mantra was repeated a number of times. "Pink" is her favorite little party dress. She finally let up and wore the pants. Oye.

The week before she took a look at the top she was wearing and proclaimed: I don't yike this. This is not good fo' Sasha.

God help me in 10 years.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I'm Back

Man, I have been a crappy blogger.  I constantly go back on and forth on blogging regularly and just blogging when I am compelled to say something.  I’m thinking I need to go to regularly as I haven’t found I have a lot to say, lately.  

The kids are awesome.  Sasha is pretty much 2 going on 22 and Dylan continues to develop intellectually and emotionally as well.  I still worry about him but that will never change.  I will always worry about him more.  I have no doubt in my mind that the girl will plow ahead no matter what.  

A few really fun things have happened recently.  Dylan is finally getting the whole 2-wheeler thing.  We’re nowhere near the point of heading out for family bike rides, but he’s getting there.  His reading also continues to improve even though it’s summer.  I thought academic skills were supposed to slide in the summer?  Sasha’s vocabulary is expanding at a rate I didn’t know existed.  The other night she proclaimed her garlic bread was awesome.  Hm, ok.  She is also a big fan of saying “I don’t yike it.” or the even stronger “I don’t wuv it.”  She cracks us up.  We have listed our house and finally, I got a job.

I’m ecstatic to be working again.  I’ve said it before and I will repeat, I’m a more balanced person when I work.  I have found a position, or rather it found me, that seems to be a great blend of being what I have always loved about being in account service and eliminating what I was starting to hate.  We’ll see how it goes but I am very hopeful for the future.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Holding Them Close and Letting Go

My heart hurts tonight. Last night was Dylan's school picnic. I watched children run off in pairs left and right. I watched my child watch from the outside. There was one little girl who repeatedly said hello to him, but that was it. Tonight he told me no one ever picked him, all year, to be their helper for passing out bday treats. That he doesn't have any best friends at school. This is the only time he has ever lamented about his friends, or lack there of, at school. The first time one of my fears for him, related to kindergarten, was realized. Dylan has a heart of gold and is a truly wonderful, sweet child. I think it might be holding him back a bit.

I want my child to have friends. I want him to make connections in childhood that will last a lifetime. I want him to have what I didn't have and always longed to have. I want him to have the security that comes with having some friends you can count on. Friends who you know have your back.

I have spent the majority of my life with a feeling of not belonging. Always feeling like I am on the outside. Close enough to know what I'm missing, but far enough away that it is out of reach. I know the pain of being excluded, still experience it all the time. And, although that pain taught me a lot, I think I would have turned out just fine with fewer lessons. It's a big reason I am the way I am today. If we have are having friends over and other friends ask what we are doing, they will automatically be invited to join in the fun. I don't ever want anyone to feel excluded or unwanted. I certainly don't want my child to feel that. Ever. I know he will. I know Sasha will, too.

When I was pregnant, one of the few things I loved about the experience is that no matter where I was, my baby was with me. I was protecting my child at all times. No one could get to my baby without going through me. The older they get, the less of a barrier I present. The less I can protect. The more I want to keep them close and never let go. But I have to let go. And that's the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

thinking again

I had a wonderful coffee date with a former colleague/friend today. She's developing a fabulous business which I hope takes off for her. As we spoke, we did a little collaborating and the juices in my brain started flowing again. I left energized. Energized by someone valuing my ideas and input. Energized by the fact that I have ideas and input to contribute. My brain still works after all.

I didn't realize how much I missed that type of exchange. How much I missed pulling from the parts of my brain which aren't used in my "mom life."

We also discussed my love of writing and how I really don't do it enough. I mentioned a goal I have had for a while and have done nothing to achieve. I would like to write more. Pick topics at random, think about them and write down my thoughts. Form opinions in writing. Organize the randomness in my head into something cohesive and meaningful. I should really get on that.

Monday, May 18, 2009

2 Year Stats

Height: 36.25" (97%)
Weight: 28lbs 4oz. (70%)

Development: Couldn't be better.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

2 years

Dearest Sasha,

Today you are 2. According to Baby Center, you are now a preschooler. Of course, I still call you the baby. My dear, sweet baby girl. The baby girl I wanted so much I was afraid to voice it just in case I had a boy.

In the past 2 years you have brought so much into our lives. I have smiled endlessly, cried tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of frustration. I have been filled with pride. You are smart, beautiful, charismatic, happy and just all around yummy. I can't imagine our world without you. I can't imagine not being a mother to a daughter. My oh so girly daughter. You like your toes painted and your fingernails painted. You like your hair done. You like doing my hair. You like playing with make-up. And you like being the boss. Oh how you like being the boss. I can only imagine the joy you will continue to bring into all our lives.

I hope you realize all your dreams, my love. I hope you will have a remarkable friendship with your brother. I hope we become the best of friends as well as mother and daughter. I love you, baby girl. Sleepless nights and all. I wouldn't trade it for the world.



Sunday, April 05, 2009

what's next?

After 3 months of unemployment I have found myself thinking a lot about what I really want to be when I grow up. I'm not sure I know. I know I am no longer very passionate about what I do. There are moments when I love it, but do I see myself doing this for the next 25 years? Not so sure. Is it something I am really good at or have my managed to fake my way along for the last 10 years? But if not the ad biz, then what?

What can I do? What do I want to do? And, how much am I willing to give up in the short term to have a happier long term?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Trouble. 28 pounds of trouble.

Grace In Small Things: 8

1. being able to find the grace.
2. occasionally being able to decipher the baby girl.
3. friends who have a knack for saying the right things.
4. spring.
5. not having to go to work after a sleepless night.

Circus Freaks

D: Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a clown and be in the circus.
M: Um, no you can't do that.
D: But I want to be a clown and be in the circus!
M: That can be your hobby.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

6 years.


Six years ago you came into my world. Four days late, a 9 pound kicking mass of boy who was more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Amazing lips, which didn't go unnoticed by a single person who saw you, dark hair like mine and chubby thighs I could have nibbled on all day. What came after was a crazy mess of emotions I never knew I was capable of feeling. A love so fierce it overcomes me at times. Worry so great it overcomes me at times. Pride so great it overcomes me at times. Parenthood is an all consuming thing, my love.

I am honored to be your mom. I am proud to be your mom. I am proud of the human being you are becoming. The compassion you have for others. The amazing gift for reading you seem to have. The way you are with your sister - gentle, sweet, tolerant, loving. You can me laugh or cry in an instant.

In the past 6 years you have learned how to do the following:
Sit up.
Use a fork, spoon and knife.
Poop and potty in a toilet.
Use a computer.
ALMOST ride a bike.
Drive us crazy. ;)
Raise your hand.
Share your toys.
Work the iPod.
Be an amazing human being.

Thank you for being who you are every day of your life and giving me the great pleasure of being your guide.

I love you.







Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'm Ready.

I've been out of work for almost 2 months now and I'm ready to go back. I'm ready to wake up and have to get ready every day. I ready to have responsibilities that lie outside my home. I'm ready to be able to buy a $10 shirt without feeling guilty. I'm ready to interact with more than 5 people on a daily basis.

I'm ready.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Guilt

I was out for happy hour with a friend about a week ago. Dave called when he had picked up the kids and they both demanded to speak with me. Dylan and I spoke then he handed the phone to Sasha. This is the conversation:

M: Hi baby.
M: Hi baby.
S: Mama, I 'iss 'oo!
M: You miss me?
S: DA!!! I 'iss 'oo! Mama home!


Tonight Dave picked them up as I had gone to the gym. We were both on our way home. Again, I spoke to both kids. Dylan informed me had a great day and then handed the phone to S. Which, by the way, is always accompanied with the declaration: Mommy, Sasha would like to talk to you next.

S: HI Mama!!!
M: Hi baby. How are you?
S: I 'aid, Hi MAMA!
Repeat times 3.


The baby girl is 21-months-old today. It's hard to believe it's been almost 2 years. It's hard to believe the crying, squirming little nugget we brought home from hospital is now a little person. A little person who wears pigtails, has opinions on everything from what to eat to what to wear, likes to have her nails painted, speaks in sentences, hams it up for the camera and does a million other things. She cracks me up daily with constant singing. She adores her big brother more than words can possibly express and charms every single person with whom she makes eye contact in a way I have only seen her brother do before. She's just so amazing. And I can't imagine a greater grace in my life than seeing my children interact. Seeing them love and seeing them learn.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Grace In Small Things: 7

1. Scoring some great deals for the kids on new clothes.
2. A flicker of light in a very dark tunnel.
3. Seeing an old friend last night who makes me laugh and laugh.
4. My daughter saying "I miss you mama, mama home." on the phone last night.
5. The world's most amazing children. Hands down.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Grace In Small Things: 6

1. Baby girl's surgery went very well last week.
2. Reconnecting with a very old friend today.
3. Having my house back.
4. Guitar Hero parties with friends.
5. The ability to identify 4 things.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Grace In Small Things: 5

I'm having a tough time coming up with these today but here goes:
1. My major car repair being covered under warranty.
2. A yummy pasta lunch.
3. TiVo
4. All the laundry being done and put away 24 hours after it was started.
5. Adorable little red toes on the baby girl.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Grace In Small Things: 4

1. Getting out tonight.
2. A beautiful winter day.
3. Sasha seems to be feeling better.
4. OPI Mrs. O'Leary's BBQ
5. Great friends who make great cards.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Grace In Small Things: 3

1. A stellar first report card for the boy.
2. The "double-wide" blanket.
3. Sleeping in when I don't feel well.
4. Soy Vay teriyaki sauce. Yum!
5. The sound of my daughter cracking up in the car for no reason.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Grace In Small Things:2

1. WiFi
2. A warm bed while I am sick.
3. Breakfast in said warm bed made by wonderful husband.
4. Time to blog.
5. Sweet pig tails on the baby girl that tickle my face when I hold her.

25+ Things

I did this on Facebook and figured I would cross-post here. I have a added a few.

1. My children are the most important people in my life. The mere thought of losing them send me into a tailspin.
2. I've been engaged 3 times in my life, twice to the same person.
3. No matter how many years pass, I will never be comfortable with my kids or me participating Christmas.
4. I have never had a perm.
5. I am making new friends for the first time in nearly a decade and love it.
6. I have never traveled through Europe.
7. I desperately want to travel through Europe.
8. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do when I grow up.
9. Both my children have middle names in honor of a great-grandparent.
10. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had taken greater risks with my education and career.
11. I wish my kids had cousins and I fear they never will.
12. I forgive too easily.
13. I think I am a good mom.
14. I hate beer. The taste, the smell, all of it.
15. Allergies have robbed me of the ability to really enjoy summer.
16. I don't bake.
17. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my family and friends enjoy a meal I cooked for them.
18. I'm terrible at spending time alone. Always have been.
19. I'm a control-freak. Being out of control stresses me out tremendously.
20. Because of #19, I hate surprises.
21. The sex of both of my children was a surprise at birth, by choice.
22. My 6-word essay is: Family of four, room for more?
23. I wish Dylan called me "mama" rather than "mommy."
24. I have fantastic friends.
25. I have a wonderful and supportive family.
26. I am afraid I will never really find my "circle."
27. The song "Silent Night" makes me cry. Instantly.
28. I keep this blog relatively private by design.
29. I check to make sure my kids are breathing every night before I go to bed.
30. I'm terribly scared of what the future may bring right now.
31. My children can break my heart in an instant.
32. My children can make my heart soar in an instant.
33. I am ridden with guilt and insecurity.
34. I don't worry about what people think of me, I worry how what I say/do will affect them.
35. I'm almost always lonely. Especially in groups.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: One
1. New Friends
2. Kisses from babies.
3. Hugs from big boys.
4. The kids sleeping in this morning.
5. Diet Lipton Green Tea with Citrus.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


For the first time in a long time I have hope for the future. For the future of this country, for the future of my children, for my own personal future. I have hope that my children won't know the racism my generation knew growing up. I have hope they won't know the extent of war our generation has known.

I'm not foolish, I know things won't change overnight. I know it will take time, but God how we need this change. We need to the future of our country to know that "you can do anything or be anyone" isn't just lip service. That no matter what your race or religion or gender it won't stand in the way of people allowing you to accomplish great things.

I listened to Barack Obama speak this morning and was filled with hope. And I can only hope the rest of the world is too.

Po's Dumplings

Mommy, do you know what Po [of Kung Fu Panda fame] likes to do with his dumplings?

Thursday, January 08, 2009


I have spent a lot of time lately wondering. Wondering about all sorts of things in my life. What will I really do when I grow up? Is my son normal? Is my daughter happy? Am I good mom, a good wife, friend, sister, daughter?

I feel uncertain. I am unemployed. I don't do well when I don't work. I need to feel like I play a role outside the walls of my home. I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know if my next move will be positive. I don't know how I will fill the days while my children are at daycare (so we don't lose our spots) and my husband is working.

I'm scared. We aren't in a financial position to be on one income. If we were, I probably wouldn't be working full-time in the first place. I don't know how we will make it without sacrificing the very things in life that keep me sane. Entertaining, socializing. I don't know how to live without those things. I don't know how to be balanced without socializing and seeing people I'm not related to.

I'm sitterless. My mother broke her ankle and is not going to be able to watch my kids for about 3 months. I have no other evening/weekend child care support. We're very spoiled and very accustomed to having time without our kids.

I know it will all work out, but right now I feel like crawling in a hole and having a break down. Which I can't do because my mother is here.