Scared...

When I was 7 months pregnant with Dylan I wasn't the least bit scared of what I would do when I brought my little bundle home. It seemed easy. It was easy, once the first couple of weeks of baby blues subsided.

This time I am terrified. What am I going to do with two needy kids? How am I going to give the amazing child sitting next to me the least amount of proper attention when I have a newborn who needs it all? How am I going to kiss the owie while I nurse? How am I going to give as much as I have been giving?

We're fortunate in that D is an incredibly easy going kid, but he's still a 4-year-old. A 4-year-old who loves his parents almost as fiercely as we love him. How is he going to handle there being another little person who gets our attention? My guess is he'll handle it beautifully and won't be able to get enough of the little person in my belly.

I was thinking last night of how he's going to react when I have to send him home from the hospital but the baby will get to stay. It's not really something I should be thinking of. It doesn't conjure up pretty images in my head - AT ALL. But again, somehow, I think my amazing little 4-year-old will understand perfectly. He seems to always pull through when we need him to.

I'm scared of more than just how I'll properly care for 2 children. I'm scared of what this baby will be like. I have been spoiled beyond reason with a child who hasn't been difficult in any way, shape or form. NOTHING, thus far, has been a struggle with D. What if this little person cries? What if he or she is colicky? What if s/he doesn't latch? What if I can't nurse as long? What if, what if, what if?

There are so many what ifs in the world and I wasn't really scared of any of them when I was pregnant with D. (Except of getting a c-section. That's one of my biggest fears. I know people have them all the time, but I don't want one and will do everything in my power to avoid it.) I don't know why the what ifs are getting to me this time around. I don't why I'm so scared this time around.

I know, however, I will get through it. No matter what the future brings, I know I am strong enough to make it. More than ever before, I know this to be true.