Lately I feel completely and totally invisible. Like if I disappeared tomorrow, no one would really notice.
It seems what I want is always out of reach and what I desire is being yanked away and the end result is feeling like I don't matter at all and am invisible.
In 10 days I turn 30. I have no problem with turning 30. Don't really care. What I do care about, and what's leading to feeling so invisible, is that no one else seems to care either. I have planned countless parties for friends. 30th birthday parties, 29th birthday parties, etc. With the exception of 1 bridal shower and 1 baby shower, no one has ever planned anything for me or even offered. And now, it hurts. When my husband turned 30 I planned his gifts from me, his parents and my parents to all fit together. I planned a surprise party 2 months in advance. When 2 of my girlfriends were turning 30 I planned their parties too. Over a month in advance to make sure everyone could make it. Well, not it's my turn and not a word has been mentioned by anyone. Don't even have dinner reservations. Happy fucking birthday to me.
I will give credit where credit is due. My mother is having a dinner for me Saturday with our family and my brother and his girlfriend are coming here for the weekend. But even that is not without some hurt feelings. Dinner is a week early because brother dear is going on vacation.
So much of my life seems to be devoted to making other people happy. To finding all the little things to help them out and make their lives a little sunnier. So much of my life is spent without sunlight or happiness and it's a side of my world I keep pretty well hidden. Over the last 15 years or so I have become really good at faking it.
There are moments of happiness here and there. Most of them involve Dylan.
There are times when I think I simply expect too much. That no one can possibly live up to this mystical set of standards I have for people. That if I just lower my expectations, I won't be disappointed. And then, when the phone never rings and the emails never ding, I won't feel quite as invisible.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Scared...
When I was 7 months pregnant with Dylan I wasn't the least bit scared of what I would do when I brought my little bundle home. It seemed easy. It was easy, once the first couple of weeks of baby blues subsided.
This time I am terrified. What am I going to do with two needy kids? How am I going to give the amazing child sitting next to me the least amount of proper attention when I have a newborn who needs it all? How am I going to kiss the owie while I nurse? How am I going to give as much as I have been giving?
We're fortunate in that D is an incredibly easy going kid, but he's still a 4-year-old. A 4-year-old who loves his parents almost as fiercely as we love him. How is he going to handle there being another little person who gets our attention? My guess is he'll handle it beautifully and won't be able to get enough of the little person in my belly.
I was thinking last night of how he's going to react when I have to send him home from the hospital but the baby will get to stay. It's not really something I should be thinking of. It doesn't conjure up pretty images in my head - AT ALL. But again, somehow, I think my amazing little 4-year-old will understand perfectly. He seems to always pull through when we need him to.
I'm scared of more than just how I'll properly care for 2 children. I'm scared of what this baby will be like. I have been spoiled beyond reason with a child who hasn't been difficult in any way, shape or form. NOTHING, thus far, has been a struggle with D. What if this little person cries? What if he or she is colicky? What if s/he doesn't latch? What if I can't nurse as long? What if, what if, what if?
There are so many what ifs in the world and I wasn't really scared of any of them when I was pregnant with D. (Except of getting a c-section. That's one of my biggest fears. I know people have them all the time, but I don't want one and will do everything in my power to avoid it.) I don't know why the what ifs are getting to me this time around. I don't why I'm so scared this time around.
I know, however, I will get through it. No matter what the future brings, I know I am strong enough to make it. More than ever before, I know this to be true.
This time I am terrified. What am I going to do with two needy kids? How am I going to give the amazing child sitting next to me the least amount of proper attention when I have a newborn who needs it all? How am I going to kiss the owie while I nurse? How am I going to give as much as I have been giving?
We're fortunate in that D is an incredibly easy going kid, but he's still a 4-year-old. A 4-year-old who loves his parents almost as fiercely as we love him. How is he going to handle there being another little person who gets our attention? My guess is he'll handle it beautifully and won't be able to get enough of the little person in my belly.
I was thinking last night of how he's going to react when I have to send him home from the hospital but the baby will get to stay. It's not really something I should be thinking of. It doesn't conjure up pretty images in my head - AT ALL. But again, somehow, I think my amazing little 4-year-old will understand perfectly. He seems to always pull through when we need him to.
I'm scared of more than just how I'll properly care for 2 children. I'm scared of what this baby will be like. I have been spoiled beyond reason with a child who hasn't been difficult in any way, shape or form. NOTHING, thus far, has been a struggle with D. What if this little person cries? What if he or she is colicky? What if s/he doesn't latch? What if I can't nurse as long? What if, what if, what if?
There are so many what ifs in the world and I wasn't really scared of any of them when I was pregnant with D. (Except of getting a c-section. That's one of my biggest fears. I know people have them all the time, but I don't want one and will do everything in my power to avoid it.) I don't know why the what ifs are getting to me this time around. I don't why I'm so scared this time around.
I know, however, I will get through it. No matter what the future brings, I know I am strong enough to make it. More than ever before, I know this to be true.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Thursday, March 08, 2007
4 years...
Dylan recently turned 4. This is quite a milestone for him and me. I can't believe my baby is 4. I can't believe the little boy who kicked around aimlessly is now a fully functioning, almost, human being. He's my heart on the outside and my soul wrapped up in a little package.
Some quick stats:
He measured in at 44.25 inches and weighs almost 50 pounds. Off the charts for both.
He's doing great, developmentally, with the exception of his lack of interest in writing/drawing. We already knew that and are working hard on it.
Beyond that, he's still the wonderful little boy he's always been. He makes me laugh, makes me cry and makes me feel every emotion in between almost daily.
Some quick stats:
He measured in at 44.25 inches and weighs almost 50 pounds. Off the charts for both.
He's doing great, developmentally, with the exception of his lack of interest in writing/drawing. We already knew that and are working hard on it.
Beyond that, he's still the wonderful little boy he's always been. He makes me laugh, makes me cry and makes me feel every emotion in between almost daily.
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