Holding Them Close and Letting Go

My heart hurts tonight. Last night was Dylan's school picnic. I watched children run off in pairs left and right. I watched my child watch from the outside. There was one little girl who repeatedly said hello to him, but that was it. Tonight he told me no one ever picked him, all year, to be their helper for passing out bday treats. That he doesn't have any best friends at school. This is the only time he has ever lamented about his friends, or lack there of, at school. The first time one of my fears for him, related to kindergarten, was realized. Dylan has a heart of gold and is a truly wonderful, sweet child. I think it might be holding him back a bit.

I want my child to have friends. I want him to make connections in childhood that will last a lifetime. I want him to have what I didn't have and always longed to have. I want him to have the security that comes with having some friends you can count on. Friends who you know have your back.

I have spent the majority of my life with a feeling of not belonging. Always feeling like I am on the outside. Close enough to know what I'm missing, but far enough away that it is out of reach. I know the pain of being excluded, still experience it all the time. And, although that pain taught me a lot, I think I would have turned out just fine with fewer lessons. It's a big reason I am the way I am today. If we have are having friends over and other friends ask what we are doing, they will automatically be invited to join in the fun. I don't ever want anyone to feel excluded or unwanted. I certainly don't want my child to feel that. Ever. I know he will. I know Sasha will, too.

When I was pregnant, one of the few things I loved about the experience is that no matter where I was, my baby was with me. I was protecting my child at all times. No one could get to my baby without going through me. The older they get, the less of a barrier I present. The less I can protect. The more I want to keep them close and never let go. But I have to let go. And that's the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

thinking again

I had a wonderful coffee date with a former colleague/friend today. She's developing a fabulous business which I hope takes off for her. As we spoke, we did a little collaborating and the juices in my brain started flowing again. I left energized. Energized by someone valuing my ideas and input. Energized by the fact that I have ideas and input to contribute. My brain still works after all.

I didn't realize how much I missed that type of exchange. How much I missed pulling from the parts of my brain which aren't used in my "mom life."

We also discussed my love of writing and how I really don't do it enough. I mentioned a goal I have had for a while and have done nothing to achieve. I would like to write more. Pick topics at random, think about them and write down my thoughts. Form opinions in writing. Organize the randomness in my head into something cohesive and meaningful. I should really get on that.

2 Year Stats

Height: 36.25" (97%)
Weight: 28lbs 4oz. (70%)

Development: Couldn't be better.

2 years

Dearest Sasha,

Today you are 2. According to Baby Center, you are now a preschooler. Of course, I still call you the baby. My dear, sweet baby girl. The baby girl I wanted so much I was afraid to voice it just in case I had a boy.

In the past 2 years you have brought so much into our lives. I have smiled endlessly, cried tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of frustration. I have been filled with pride. You are smart, beautiful, charismatic, happy and just all around yummy. I can't imagine our world without you. I can't imagine not being a mother to a daughter. My oh so girly daughter. You like your toes painted and your fingernails painted. You like your hair done. You like doing my hair. You like playing with make-up. And you like being the boss. Oh how you like being the boss. I can only imagine the joy you will continue to bring into all our lives.

I hope you realize all your dreams, my love. I hope you will have a remarkable friendship with your brother. I hope we become the best of friends as well as mother and daughter. I love you, baby girl. Sleepless nights and all. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Love,

Mama