Monday, August 20, 2007

Rarely alone, frequently lonely

Pronunciation: 'lOn-lE
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): lone·li·er; -est1
a : being without company : LONE
b : cut off from others : SOLITARY
2 : not frequented by human beings : DESOLATE
3 : sad from being alone : LONESOME
4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

Motherhood is a lonely endeavor. Especially the first few months. Which is ironic, really. In the first few months of being a new mother (or an old mother to a new human) you are almost never without company. Almost never alone. Always in the company of the little person we are responsible for keeping alive. I find these first few months to be ridiculously lonely. But, I'm no stranger to loneliness.

I don't really remember a time when I didn't feel lonely. A time when I didn't feel like I was on the outside looking in. A time when I didn't feel like there was some sort of companionship I was missing.

I lead a full life. I have friends, a husband, children. We are frequently social, I have lunch with friends regularly. But the loneliness never seems to fully subside. It lurks around every corner like the monsters under the bed. The ones that come out when the lights are out and we're all alone. Only these monsters aren't mythical creatures, they are my own thoughts. The thoughts I share with no one because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to admit, even to myself at times, that I am lonely. Because, I think, I shouldn't be anymore.

Yet, I know I'm not alone in my loneliness and that seems to make it not quite as lonely.

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