After 3 months of unemployment I have found myself thinking a lot about what I really want to be when I grow up. I'm not sure I know. I know I am no longer very passionate about what I do. There are moments when I love it, but do I see myself doing this for the next 25 years? Not so sure. Is it something I am really good at or have my managed to fake my way along for the last 10 years? But if not the ad biz, then what?
What can I do? What do I want to do? And, how much am I willing to give up in the short term to have a happier long term?
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Grace In Small Things: 8
1. being able to find the grace.
2. occasionally being able to decipher the baby girl.
3. friends who have a knack for saying the right things.
4. spring.
5. not having to go to work after a sleepless night.
2. occasionally being able to decipher the baby girl.
3. friends who have a knack for saying the right things.
4. spring.
5. not having to go to work after a sleepless night.
Circus Freaks
D: Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a clown and be in the circus.
M: Um, no you can't do that.
D: But I want to be a clown and be in the circus!
M: That can be your hobby.
M: Um, no you can't do that.
D: But I want to be a clown and be in the circus!
M: That can be your hobby.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
6 years.
Dylan,
Six years ago you came into my world. Four days late, a 9 pound kicking mass of boy who was more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Amazing lips, which didn't go unnoticed by a single person who saw you, dark hair like mine and chubby thighs I could have nibbled on all day. What came after was a crazy mess of emotions I never knew I was capable of feeling. A love so fierce it overcomes me at times. Worry so great it overcomes me at times. Pride so great it overcomes me at times. Parenthood is an all consuming thing, my love.
I am honored to be your mom. I am proud to be your mom. I am proud of the human being you are becoming. The compassion you have for others. The amazing gift for reading you seem to have. The way you are with your sister - gentle, sweet, tolerant, loving. You can me laugh or cry in an instant.
In the past 6 years you have learned how to do the following:
Sit up.
Walk.
Stand.
Crawl.
Talk.
Use a fork, spoon and knife.
Poop and potty in a toilet.
Colors.
Letters.
Numbers.
Phonics.
Reading.
Use a computer.
ALMOST ride a bike.
Drive us crazy. ;)
Write.
Raise your hand.
Share your toys.
Work the iPod.
Be an amazing human being.
Thank you for being who you are every day of your life and giving me the great pleasure of being your guide.
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Six years ago you came into my world. Four days late, a 9 pound kicking mass of boy who was more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Amazing lips, which didn't go unnoticed by a single person who saw you, dark hair like mine and chubby thighs I could have nibbled on all day. What came after was a crazy mess of emotions I never knew I was capable of feeling. A love so fierce it overcomes me at times. Worry so great it overcomes me at times. Pride so great it overcomes me at times. Parenthood is an all consuming thing, my love.
I am honored to be your mom. I am proud to be your mom. I am proud of the human being you are becoming. The compassion you have for others. The amazing gift for reading you seem to have. The way you are with your sister - gentle, sweet, tolerant, loving. You can me laugh or cry in an instant.
In the past 6 years you have learned how to do the following:
Sit up.
Walk.
Stand.
Crawl.
Talk.
Use a fork, spoon and knife.
Poop and potty in a toilet.
Colors.
Letters.
Numbers.
Phonics.
Reading.
Use a computer.
ALMOST ride a bike.
Drive us crazy. ;)
Write.
Raise your hand.
Share your toys.
Work the iPod.
Be an amazing human being.
Thank you for being who you are every day of your life and giving me the great pleasure of being your guide.
I love you.
Birth
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
SixThursday, February 19, 2009
I'm Ready.
I've been out of work for almost 2 months now and I'm ready to go back. I'm ready to wake up and have to get ready every day. I ready to have responsibilities that lie outside my home. I'm ready to be able to buy a $10 shirt without feeling guilty. I'm ready to interact with more than 5 people on a daily basis.
I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Guilt
I was out for happy hour with a friend about a week ago. Dave called when he had picked up the kids and they both demanded to speak with me. Dylan and I spoke then he handed the phone to Sasha. This is the conversation:
S:IIIII MAMA!
M: Hi baby.
S: MAAAMAAAAAA
M: Hi baby.
S: Mama, I 'iss 'oo!
M: You miss me?
S: DA!!! I 'iss 'oo! Mama home!
Unbelievable.
Tonight Dave picked them up as I had gone to the gym. We were both on our way home. Again, I spoke to both kids. Dylan informed me had a great day and then handed the phone to S. Which, by the way, is always accompanied with the declaration: Mommy, Sasha would like to talk to you next.
S: HI Mama!!!
M: Hi baby. How are you?
S: I 'aid, Hi MAMA!
Repeat times 3.
S:IIIII MAMA!
M: Hi baby.
S: MAAAMAAAAAA
M: Hi baby.
S: Mama, I 'iss 'oo!
M: You miss me?
S: DA!!! I 'iss 'oo! Mama home!
Unbelievable.
Tonight Dave picked them up as I had gone to the gym. We were both on our way home. Again, I spoke to both kids. Dylan informed me had a great day and then handed the phone to S. Which, by the way, is always accompanied with the declaration: Mommy, Sasha would like to talk to you next.
S: HI Mama!!!
M: Hi baby. How are you?
S: I 'aid, Hi MAMA!
Repeat times 3.
21-months
The baby girl is 21-months-old today. It's hard to believe it's been almost 2 years. It's hard to believe the crying, squirming little nugget we brought home from hospital is now a little person. A little person who wears pigtails, has opinions on everything from what to eat to what to wear, likes to have her nails painted, speaks in sentences, hams it up for the camera and does a million other things. She cracks me up daily with constant singing. She adores her big brother more than words can possibly express and charms every single person with whom she makes eye contact in a way I have only seen her brother do before. She's just so amazing. And I can't imagine a greater grace in my life than seeing my children interact. Seeing them love and seeing them learn.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Grace In Small Things: 7
1. Scoring some great deals for the kids on new clothes.
2. A flicker of light in a very dark tunnel.
3. Seeing an old friend last night who makes me laugh and laugh.
4. My daughter saying "I miss you mama, mama home." on the phone last night.
5. The world's most amazing children. Hands down.
2. A flicker of light in a very dark tunnel.
3. Seeing an old friend last night who makes me laugh and laugh.
4. My daughter saying "I miss you mama, mama home." on the phone last night.
5. The world's most amazing children. Hands down.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Grace In Small Things: 6
1. Baby girl's surgery went very well last week.
2. Reconnecting with a very old friend today.
3. Having my house back.
4. Guitar Hero parties with friends.
5. The ability to identify 4 things.
2. Reconnecting with a very old friend today.
3. Having my house back.
4. Guitar Hero parties with friends.
5. The ability to identify 4 things.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Grace In Small Things: 5
I'm having a tough time coming up with these today but here goes:
1. My major car repair being covered under warranty.
2. A yummy pasta lunch.
3. TiVo
4. All the laundry being done and put away 24 hours after it was started.
5. Adorable little red toes on the baby girl.
1. My major car repair being covered under warranty.
2. A yummy pasta lunch.
3. TiVo
4. All the laundry being done and put away 24 hours after it was started.
5. Adorable little red toes on the baby girl.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Grace In Small Things: 4
1. Getting out tonight.
2. A beautiful winter day.
3. Sasha seems to be feeling better.
4. OPI Mrs. O'Leary's BBQ
5. Great friends who make great cards.
2. A beautiful winter day.
3. Sasha seems to be feeling better.
4. OPI Mrs. O'Leary's BBQ
5. Great friends who make great cards.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Grace In Small Things: 3
1. A stellar first report card for the boy.
2. The "double-wide" blanket.
3. Sleeping in when I don't feel well.
4. Soy Vay teriyaki sauce. Yum!
5. The sound of my daughter cracking up in the car for no reason.
2. The "double-wide" blanket.
3. Sleeping in when I don't feel well.
4. Soy Vay teriyaki sauce. Yum!
5. The sound of my daughter cracking up in the car for no reason.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Grace In Small Things:2
1. WiFi
2. A warm bed while I am sick.
3. Breakfast in said warm bed made by wonderful husband.
4. Time to blog.
5. Sweet pig tails on the baby girl that tickle my face when I hold her.
2. A warm bed while I am sick.
3. Breakfast in said warm bed made by wonderful husband.
4. Time to blog.
5. Sweet pig tails on the baby girl that tickle my face when I hold her.
25+ Things
I did this on Facebook and figured I would cross-post here. I have a added a few.
1. My children are the most important people in my life. The mere thought of losing them send me into a tailspin.
2. I've been engaged 3 times in my life, twice to the same person.
3. No matter how many years pass, I will never be comfortable with my kids or me participating Christmas.
4. I have never had a perm.
5. I am making new friends for the first time in nearly a decade and love it.
6. I have never traveled through Europe.
7. I desperately want to travel through Europe.
8. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do when I grow up.
9. Both my children have middle names in honor of a great-grandparent.
10. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had taken greater risks with my education and career.
11. I wish my kids had cousins and I fear they never will.
12. I forgive too easily.
13. I think I am a good mom.
14. I hate beer. The taste, the smell, all of it.
15. Allergies have robbed me of the ability to really enjoy summer.
16. I don't bake.
17. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my family and friends enjoy a meal I cooked for them.
18. I'm terrible at spending time alone. Always have been.
19. I'm a control-freak. Being out of control stresses me out tremendously.
20. Because of #19, I hate surprises.
21. The sex of both of my children was a surprise at birth, by choice.
22. My 6-word essay is: Family of four, room for more?
23. I wish Dylan called me "mama" rather than "mommy."
24. I have fantastic friends.
25. I have a wonderful and supportive family.
---
26. I am afraid I will never really find my "circle."
27. The song "Silent Night" makes me cry. Instantly.
28. I keep this blog relatively private by design.
29. I check to make sure my kids are breathing every night before I go to bed.
30. I'm terribly scared of what the future may bring right now.
31. My children can break my heart in an instant.
32. My children can make my heart soar in an instant.
33. I am ridden with guilt and insecurity.
34. I don't worry about what people think of me, I worry how what I say/do will affect them.
35. I'm almost always lonely. Especially in groups.
1. My children are the most important people in my life. The mere thought of losing them send me into a tailspin.
2. I've been engaged 3 times in my life, twice to the same person.
3. No matter how many years pass, I will never be comfortable with my kids or me participating Christmas.
4. I have never had a perm.
5. I am making new friends for the first time in nearly a decade and love it.
6. I have never traveled through Europe.
7. I desperately want to travel through Europe.
8. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do when I grow up.
9. Both my children have middle names in honor of a great-grandparent.
10. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had taken greater risks with my education and career.
11. I wish my kids had cousins and I fear they never will.
12. I forgive too easily.
13. I think I am a good mom.
14. I hate beer. The taste, the smell, all of it.
15. Allergies have robbed me of the ability to really enjoy summer.
16. I don't bake.
17. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my family and friends enjoy a meal I cooked for them.
18. I'm terrible at spending time alone. Always have been.
19. I'm a control-freak. Being out of control stresses me out tremendously.
20. Because of #19, I hate surprises.
21. The sex of both of my children was a surprise at birth, by choice.
22. My 6-word essay is: Family of four, room for more?
23. I wish Dylan called me "mama" rather than "mommy."
24. I have fantastic friends.
25. I have a wonderful and supportive family.
---
26. I am afraid I will never really find my "circle."
27. The song "Silent Night" makes me cry. Instantly.
28. I keep this blog relatively private by design.
29. I check to make sure my kids are breathing every night before I go to bed.
30. I'm terribly scared of what the future may bring right now.
31. My children can break my heart in an instant.
32. My children can make my heart soar in an instant.
33. I am ridden with guilt and insecurity.
34. I don't worry about what people think of me, I worry how what I say/do will affect them.
35. I'm almost always lonely. Especially in groups.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Grace in Small Things
Grace in Small Things: One
1. New Friends
2. Kisses from babies.
3. Hugs from big boys.
4. The kids sleeping in this morning.
5. Diet Lipton Green Tea with Citrus.
1. New Friends
2. Kisses from babies.
3. Hugs from big boys.
4. The kids sleeping in this morning.
5. Diet Lipton Green Tea with Citrus.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Hope
For the first time in a long time I have hope for the future. For the future of this country, for the future of my children, for my own personal future. I have hope that my children won't know the racism my generation knew growing up. I have hope they won't know the extent of war our generation has known.
I'm not foolish, I know things won't change overnight. I know it will take time, but God how we need this change. We need to the future of our country to know that "you can do anything or be anyone" isn't just lip service. That no matter what your race or religion or gender it won't stand in the way of people allowing you to accomplish great things.
I listened to Barack Obama speak this morning and was filled with hope. And I can only hope the rest of the world is too.
I'm not foolish, I know things won't change overnight. I know it will take time, but God how we need this change. We need to the future of our country to know that "you can do anything or be anyone" isn't just lip service. That no matter what your race or religion or gender it won't stand in the way of people allowing you to accomplish great things.
I listened to Barack Obama speak this morning and was filled with hope. And I can only hope the rest of the world is too.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Wondering
I have spent a lot of time lately wondering. Wondering about all sorts of things in my life. What will I really do when I grow up? Is my son normal? Is my daughter happy? Am I good mom, a good wife, friend, sister, daughter?
I feel uncertain. I am unemployed. I don't do well when I don't work. I need to feel like I play a role outside the walls of my home. I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know if my next move will be positive. I don't know how I will fill the days while my children are at daycare (so we don't lose our spots) and my husband is working.
I'm scared. We aren't in a financial position to be on one income. If we were, I probably wouldn't be working full-time in the first place. I don't know how we will make it without sacrificing the very things in life that keep me sane. Entertaining, socializing. I don't know how to live without those things. I don't know how to be balanced without socializing and seeing people I'm not related to.
I'm sitterless. My mother broke her ankle and is not going to be able to watch my kids for about 3 months. I have no other evening/weekend child care support. We're very spoiled and very accustomed to having time without our kids.
I know it will all work out, but right now I feel like crawling in a hole and having a break down. Which I can't do because my mother is here.
I feel uncertain. I am unemployed. I don't do well when I don't work. I need to feel like I play a role outside the walls of my home. I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know if my next move will be positive. I don't know how I will fill the days while my children are at daycare (so we don't lose our spots) and my husband is working.
I'm scared. We aren't in a financial position to be on one income. If we were, I probably wouldn't be working full-time in the first place. I don't know how we will make it without sacrificing the very things in life that keep me sane. Entertaining, socializing. I don't know how to live without those things. I don't know how to be balanced without socializing and seeing people I'm not related to.
I'm sitterless. My mother broke her ankle and is not going to be able to watch my kids for about 3 months. I have no other evening/weekend child care support. We're very spoiled and very accustomed to having time without our kids.
I know it will all work out, but right now I feel like crawling in a hole and having a break down. Which I can't do because my mother is here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)