6 years.

Dylan,

Six years ago you came into my world. Four days late, a 9 pound kicking mass of boy who was more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Amazing lips, which didn't go unnoticed by a single person who saw you, dark hair like mine and chubby thighs I could have nibbled on all day. What came after was a crazy mess of emotions I never knew I was capable of feeling. A love so fierce it overcomes me at times. Worry so great it overcomes me at times. Pride so great it overcomes me at times. Parenthood is an all consuming thing, my love.

I am honored to be your mom. I am proud to be your mom. I am proud of the human being you are becoming. The compassion you have for others. The amazing gift for reading you seem to have. The way you are with your sister - gentle, sweet, tolerant, loving. You can me laugh or cry in an instant.

In the past 6 years you have learned how to do the following:
Sit up.
Walk.
Stand.
Crawl.
Talk.
Use a fork, spoon and knife.
Poop and potty in a toilet.
Colors.
Letters.
Numbers.
Phonics.
Reading.
Use a computer.
ALMOST ride a bike.
Drive us crazy. ;)
Write.
Raise your hand.
Share your toys.
Work the iPod.
Be an amazing human being.

Thank you for being who you are every day of your life and giving me the great pleasure of being your guide.

I love you.

Birth

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

I'm Ready.

I've been out of work for almost 2 months now and I'm ready to go back. I'm ready to wake up and have to get ready every day. I ready to have responsibilities that lie outside my home. I'm ready to be able to buy a $10 shirt without feeling guilty. I'm ready to interact with more than 5 people on a daily basis.

I'm ready.

The Guilt

I was out for happy hour with a friend about a week ago. Dave called when he had picked up the kids and they both demanded to speak with me. Dylan and I spoke then he handed the phone to Sasha. This is the conversation:

S:IIIII MAMA!
M: Hi baby.
S: MAAAMAAAAAA
M: Hi baby.
S: Mama, I 'iss 'oo!
M: You miss me?
S: DA!!! I 'iss 'oo! Mama home!

Unbelievable.

Tonight Dave picked them up as I had gone to the gym. We were both on our way home. Again, I spoke to both kids. Dylan informed me had a great day and then handed the phone to S. Which, by the way, is always accompanied with the declaration: Mommy, Sasha would like to talk to you next.

S: HI Mama!!!
M: Hi baby. How are you?
S: I 'aid, Hi MAMA!
Repeat times 3.

21-months

The baby girl is 21-months-old today. It's hard to believe it's been almost 2 years. It's hard to believe the crying, squirming little nugget we brought home from hospital is now a little person. A little person who wears pigtails, has opinions on everything from what to eat to what to wear, likes to have her nails painted, speaks in sentences, hams it up for the camera and does a million other things. She cracks me up daily with constant singing. She adores her big brother more than words can possibly express and charms every single person with whom she makes eye contact in a way I have only seen her brother do before. She's just so amazing. And I can't imagine a greater grace in my life than seeing my children interact. Seeing them love and seeing them learn.

Grace In Small Things: 7

1. Scoring some great deals for the kids on new clothes.
2. A flicker of light in a very dark tunnel.
3. Seeing an old friend last night who makes me laugh and laugh.
4. My daughter saying "I miss you mama, mama home." on the phone last night.
5. The world's most amazing children. Hands down.

Grace In Small Things: 6

1. Baby girl's surgery went very well last week.
2. Reconnecting with a very old friend today.
3. Having my house back.
4. Guitar Hero parties with friends.
5. The ability to identify 4 things.

Grace In Small Things: 5

I'm having a tough time coming up with these today but here goes:
1. My major car repair being covered under warranty.
2. A yummy pasta lunch.
3. TiVo
4. All the laundry being done and put away 24 hours after it was started.
5. Adorable little red toes on the baby girl.

Grace In Small Things: 4

1. Getting out tonight.
2. A beautiful winter day.
3. Sasha seems to be feeling better.
4. OPI Mrs. O'Leary's BBQ
5. Great friends who make great cards.

Grace In Small Things: 3

1. A stellar first report card for the boy.
2. The "double-wide" blanket.
3. Sleeping in when I don't feel well.
4. Soy Vay teriyaki sauce. Yum!
5. The sound of my daughter cracking up in the car for no reason.

Grace In Small Things:2

1. WiFi
2. A warm bed while I am sick.
3. Breakfast in said warm bed made by wonderful husband.
4. Time to blog.
5. Sweet pig tails on the baby girl that tickle my face when I hold her.

25+ Things

I did this on Facebook and figured I would cross-post here. I have a added a few.

1. My children are the most important people in my life. The mere thought of losing them send me into a tailspin.
2. I've been engaged 3 times in my life, twice to the same person.
3. No matter how many years pass, I will never be comfortable with my kids or me participating Christmas.
4. I have never had a perm.
5. I am making new friends for the first time in nearly a decade and love it.
6. I have never traveled through Europe.
7. I desperately want to travel through Europe.
8. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do when I grow up.
9. Both my children have middle names in honor of a great-grandparent.
10. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had taken greater risks with my education and career.
11. I wish my kids had cousins and I fear they never will.
12. I forgive too easily.
13. I think I am a good mom.
14. I hate beer. The taste, the smell, all of it.
15. Allergies have robbed me of the ability to really enjoy summer.
16. I don't bake.
17. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my family and friends enjoy a meal I cooked for them.
18. I'm terrible at spending time alone. Always have been.
19. I'm a control-freak. Being out of control stresses me out tremendously.
20. Because of #19, I hate surprises.
21. The sex of both of my children was a surprise at birth, by choice.
22. My 6-word essay is: Family of four, room for more?
23. I wish Dylan called me "mama" rather than "mommy."
24. I have fantastic friends.
25. I have a wonderful and supportive family.
---
26. I am afraid I will never really find my "circle."
27. The song "Silent Night" makes me cry. Instantly.
28. I keep this blog relatively private by design.
29. I check to make sure my kids are breathing every night before I go to bed.
30. I'm terribly scared of what the future may bring right now.
31. My children can break my heart in an instant.
32. My children can make my heart soar in an instant.
33. I am ridden with guilt and insecurity.
34. I don't worry about what people think of me, I worry how what I say/do will affect them.
35. I'm almost always lonely. Especially in groups.

Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: One
1. New Friends
2. Kisses from babies.
3. Hugs from big boys.
4. The kids sleeping in this morning.
5. Diet Lipton Green Tea with Citrus.

Hope

For the first time in a long time I have hope for the future. For the future of this country, for the future of my children, for my own personal future. I have hope that my children won't know the racism my generation knew growing up. I have hope they won't know the extent of war our generation has known.

I'm not foolish, I know things won't change overnight. I know it will take time, but God how we need this change. We need to the future of our country to know that "you can do anything or be anyone" isn't just lip service. That no matter what your race or religion or gender it won't stand in the way of people allowing you to accomplish great things.

I listened to Barack Obama speak this morning and was filled with hope. And I can only hope the rest of the world is too.

Po's Dumplings

Mommy, do you know what Po [of Kung Fu Panda fame] likes to do with his dumplings?

Wondering

I have spent a lot of time lately wondering. Wondering about all sorts of things in my life. What will I really do when I grow up? Is my son normal? Is my daughter happy? Am I good mom, a good wife, friend, sister, daughter?

I feel uncertain. I am unemployed. I don't do well when I don't work. I need to feel like I play a role outside the walls of my home. I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know if my next move will be positive. I don't know how I will fill the days while my children are at daycare (so we don't lose our spots) and my husband is working.

I'm scared. We aren't in a financial position to be on one income. If we were, I probably wouldn't be working full-time in the first place. I don't know how we will make it without sacrificing the very things in life that keep me sane. Entertaining, socializing. I don't know how to live without those things. I don't know how to be balanced without socializing and seeing people I'm not related to.

I'm sitterless. My mother broke her ankle and is not going to be able to watch my kids for about 3 months. I have no other evening/weekend child care support. We're very spoiled and very accustomed to having time without our kids.

I know it will all work out, but right now I feel like crawling in a hole and having a break down. Which I can't do because my mother is here.

99 Things...(AKA I have a lot to do!)

Copy and paste this to your blog and bold the ones that you HAVE done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (does jr. high count??)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie/commercial/tvshow
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Kindergarten Revisited

I had a lot of fears about Dylan and kindergarten. How well would he adjust, would he make friends, would he succeed? I am very happy to report they have all gone unfounded. He is a wonderful, wonderful kid and is genuinely thriving in kindergarten. He's maturing before our very eyes. Growing into a different person with sarcasm, wit, intelligence and compassion. He loves school and we love what it's doing for him.

Rack 'em Up.

Dylan is on a bowling kick thanks to the Wii. We have plastic bowling pins. We bowled a lot this weekend. A friend was over Saturday and they were playing. The following conversation happened:

Fun Auntie Lynne: Rack 'em Rusty.

Dylan: Oh, that was really close but my name is Dylan. (in his best "aren't you so special in the short bus kind of way" voice.)

Kindergarten

D starts kindergarten in about 2 weeks. He couldn't be more excited, I couldn't be more worried. He's an amazing, bright kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all say but it is true. The kid's never had any formal schooling and is reading and writing like a champ. He really has a love of the written word. It's amazing.

At the same time, he's immature. He acts much younger than his age at times. He speaks well and with very adult sentence structure, at times. But he still acts a bit young. I worry he'll get teased, I worry he'll have trouble making friends. I worry he will have his feelings hurt. I worry.

He has a heart of gold. He's sensitive, he's sweet, he's loving. He's going to enter a classroom where he doesn't know anyone and I'm scared for him. Scared for me. Having been in the same daycare since he was 1.5, he only really knows one place. I have never had to leave in the care of someone I didn't know. Someone I wasn't familiar with. With children whose parents I don't know. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. He does take swimming lessons and has done really well there and always makes friends with the other kids there. So he'll be ok.

He has to be.

I take pictures.

Dave: Clara, look, they're sharing an apple!

Clara: Oh, that's adorable.

Dylan: Mommy, would you like to take a picture?

So maybe I take a lot of pictures.