I'm Ready.

I've been out of work for almost 2 months now and I'm ready to go back. I'm ready to wake up and have to get ready every day. I ready to have responsibilities that lie outside my home. I'm ready to be able to buy a $10 shirt without feeling guilty. I'm ready to interact with more than 5 people on a daily basis.

I'm ready.

The Guilt

I was out for happy hour with a friend about a week ago. Dave called when he had picked up the kids and they both demanded to speak with me. Dylan and I spoke then he handed the phone to Sasha. This is the conversation:

S:IIIII MAMA!
M: Hi baby.
S: MAAAMAAAAAA
M: Hi baby.
S: Mama, I 'iss 'oo!
M: You miss me?
S: DA!!! I 'iss 'oo! Mama home!

Unbelievable.

Tonight Dave picked them up as I had gone to the gym. We were both on our way home. Again, I spoke to both kids. Dylan informed me had a great day and then handed the phone to S. Which, by the way, is always accompanied with the declaration: Mommy, Sasha would like to talk to you next.

S: HI Mama!!!
M: Hi baby. How are you?
S: I 'aid, Hi MAMA!
Repeat times 3.

21-months

The baby girl is 21-months-old today. It's hard to believe it's been almost 2 years. It's hard to believe the crying, squirming little nugget we brought home from hospital is now a little person. A little person who wears pigtails, has opinions on everything from what to eat to what to wear, likes to have her nails painted, speaks in sentences, hams it up for the camera and does a million other things. She cracks me up daily with constant singing. She adores her big brother more than words can possibly express and charms every single person with whom she makes eye contact in a way I have only seen her brother do before. She's just so amazing. And I can't imagine a greater grace in my life than seeing my children interact. Seeing them love and seeing them learn.

Grace In Small Things: 7

1. Scoring some great deals for the kids on new clothes.
2. A flicker of light in a very dark tunnel.
3. Seeing an old friend last night who makes me laugh and laugh.
4. My daughter saying "I miss you mama, mama home." on the phone last night.
5. The world's most amazing children. Hands down.

Grace In Small Things: 6

1. Baby girl's surgery went very well last week.
2. Reconnecting with a very old friend today.
3. Having my house back.
4. Guitar Hero parties with friends.
5. The ability to identify 4 things.

Grace In Small Things: 5

I'm having a tough time coming up with these today but here goes:
1. My major car repair being covered under warranty.
2. A yummy pasta lunch.
3. TiVo
4. All the laundry being done and put away 24 hours after it was started.
5. Adorable little red toes on the baby girl.

Grace In Small Things: 4

1. Getting out tonight.
2. A beautiful winter day.
3. Sasha seems to be feeling better.
4. OPI Mrs. O'Leary's BBQ
5. Great friends who make great cards.

Grace In Small Things: 3

1. A stellar first report card for the boy.
2. The "double-wide" blanket.
3. Sleeping in when I don't feel well.
4. Soy Vay teriyaki sauce. Yum!
5. The sound of my daughter cracking up in the car for no reason.

Grace In Small Things:2

1. WiFi
2. A warm bed while I am sick.
3. Breakfast in said warm bed made by wonderful husband.
4. Time to blog.
5. Sweet pig tails on the baby girl that tickle my face when I hold her.

25+ Things

I did this on Facebook and figured I would cross-post here. I have a added a few.

1. My children are the most important people in my life. The mere thought of losing them send me into a tailspin.
2. I've been engaged 3 times in my life, twice to the same person.
3. No matter how many years pass, I will never be comfortable with my kids or me participating Christmas.
4. I have never had a perm.
5. I am making new friends for the first time in nearly a decade and love it.
6. I have never traveled through Europe.
7. I desperately want to travel through Europe.
8. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do when I grow up.
9. Both my children have middle names in honor of a great-grandparent.
10. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had taken greater risks with my education and career.
11. I wish my kids had cousins and I fear they never will.
12. I forgive too easily.
13. I think I am a good mom.
14. I hate beer. The taste, the smell, all of it.
15. Allergies have robbed me of the ability to really enjoy summer.
16. I don't bake.
17. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my family and friends enjoy a meal I cooked for them.
18. I'm terrible at spending time alone. Always have been.
19. I'm a control-freak. Being out of control stresses me out tremendously.
20. Because of #19, I hate surprises.
21. The sex of both of my children was a surprise at birth, by choice.
22. My 6-word essay is: Family of four, room for more?
23. I wish Dylan called me "mama" rather than "mommy."
24. I have fantastic friends.
25. I have a wonderful and supportive family.
---
26. I am afraid I will never really find my "circle."
27. The song "Silent Night" makes me cry. Instantly.
28. I keep this blog relatively private by design.
29. I check to make sure my kids are breathing every night before I go to bed.
30. I'm terribly scared of what the future may bring right now.
31. My children can break my heart in an instant.
32. My children can make my heart soar in an instant.
33. I am ridden with guilt and insecurity.
34. I don't worry about what people think of me, I worry how what I say/do will affect them.
35. I'm almost always lonely. Especially in groups.

Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: One
1. New Friends
2. Kisses from babies.
3. Hugs from big boys.
4. The kids sleeping in this morning.
5. Diet Lipton Green Tea with Citrus.

Hope

For the first time in a long time I have hope for the future. For the future of this country, for the future of my children, for my own personal future. I have hope that my children won't know the racism my generation knew growing up. I have hope they won't know the extent of war our generation has known.

I'm not foolish, I know things won't change overnight. I know it will take time, but God how we need this change. We need to the future of our country to know that "you can do anything or be anyone" isn't just lip service. That no matter what your race or religion or gender it won't stand in the way of people allowing you to accomplish great things.

I listened to Barack Obama speak this morning and was filled with hope. And I can only hope the rest of the world is too.

Po's Dumplings

Mommy, do you know what Po [of Kung Fu Panda fame] likes to do with his dumplings?

Wondering

I have spent a lot of time lately wondering. Wondering about all sorts of things in my life. What will I really do when I grow up? Is my son normal? Is my daughter happy? Am I good mom, a good wife, friend, sister, daughter?

I feel uncertain. I am unemployed. I don't do well when I don't work. I need to feel like I play a role outside the walls of my home. I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know if my next move will be positive. I don't know how I will fill the days while my children are at daycare (so we don't lose our spots) and my husband is working.

I'm scared. We aren't in a financial position to be on one income. If we were, I probably wouldn't be working full-time in the first place. I don't know how we will make it without sacrificing the very things in life that keep me sane. Entertaining, socializing. I don't know how to live without those things. I don't know how to be balanced without socializing and seeing people I'm not related to.

I'm sitterless. My mother broke her ankle and is not going to be able to watch my kids for about 3 months. I have no other evening/weekend child care support. We're very spoiled and very accustomed to having time without our kids.

I know it will all work out, but right now I feel like crawling in a hole and having a break down. Which I can't do because my mother is here.

99 Things...(AKA I have a lot to do!)

Copy and paste this to your blog and bold the ones that you HAVE done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (does jr. high count??)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie/commercial/tvshow
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Kindergarten Revisited

I had a lot of fears about Dylan and kindergarten. How well would he adjust, would he make friends, would he succeed? I am very happy to report they have all gone unfounded. He is a wonderful, wonderful kid and is genuinely thriving in kindergarten. He's maturing before our very eyes. Growing into a different person with sarcasm, wit, intelligence and compassion. He loves school and we love what it's doing for him.

Rack 'em Up.

Dylan is on a bowling kick thanks to the Wii. We have plastic bowling pins. We bowled a lot this weekend. A friend was over Saturday and they were playing. The following conversation happened:

Fun Auntie Lynne: Rack 'em Rusty.

Dylan: Oh, that was really close but my name is Dylan. (in his best "aren't you so special in the short bus kind of way" voice.)

Kindergarten

D starts kindergarten in about 2 weeks. He couldn't be more excited, I couldn't be more worried. He's an amazing, bright kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all say but it is true. The kid's never had any formal schooling and is reading and writing like a champ. He really has a love of the written word. It's amazing.

At the same time, he's immature. He acts much younger than his age at times. He speaks well and with very adult sentence structure, at times. But he still acts a bit young. I worry he'll get teased, I worry he'll have trouble making friends. I worry he will have his feelings hurt. I worry.

He has a heart of gold. He's sensitive, he's sweet, he's loving. He's going to enter a classroom where he doesn't know anyone and I'm scared for him. Scared for me. Having been in the same daycare since he was 1.5, he only really knows one place. I have never had to leave in the care of someone I didn't know. Someone I wasn't familiar with. With children whose parents I don't know. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. He does take swimming lessons and has done really well there and always makes friends with the other kids there. So he'll be ok.

He has to be.

I take pictures.

Dave: Clara, look, they're sharing an apple!

Clara: Oh, that's adorable.

Dylan: Mommy, would you like to take a picture?

So maybe I take a lot of pictures.

She Walks!

Today, she walked!

So happy together

I was at a first birthday party this weekend when a fellow partier and mom of two asked me, "How do you get any time to yourself when you work full-time?" I had a simple answer - I don't.

I went on to explain that my children are in bed by eight so those few hours a day when they are sleeping and I am not are my hours to myself/my relationship with the husband. It's hard. I don't really see the kids during the week. By the time we get home we get about 30 minutes of playtime and the bath/bed routine begins. It's hard. We get our family time in on the weekends.

Unlike most families I know, we truly travel as a unit on the weekends. Rarely will you find us without one of our members (unless it's the evening and mommy and daddy get playtime). We are a pack, the four of us. We like to be together. We are happiest together. The kids are visibly happiest when all four of us are together. And honestly, so am I.

There is a safety and comfort I feel when I have my family with me that is unparalleled. I feel full of love and happiness. I feel whole. I miss them every moment I am away from them. I am the pathetic girl who can't wait to get home to her husband at the end of a girls' night. The girl who can't wait to drink in the smell of my babies after a night away.

I do enjoy the days when the kids are at daycare and I have some time off work. But not for the solitude. I enjoy them because they allow me to get things done. To clean, to organize, to shop.

I am working on it. I am trying to find myself again. To be able to define myself outside of my nuclear family. A nuclear family in which my role has changed over the last five years from daughter and sister to mother and wife. I'm working on it.

Stats

At 12.5 months Princess Poopy Pants weighed in at 23lbs. 4oz. (75%) and is 31" long (97%). Developing beautifully in every way possible.

So cool and awesome

ME: Dylan, I love you very much.

D: I love you very, very, very much much much.

ME: I love you very, very, very much much much, too.

D: That's so cool and awesome.

1 year

Sasha,

A year ago you came into my world. I became the mother of a daughter. I had "one of each." My mind immediately started racing with all the things we will do together. Like stay up late having our own personal slumber parties. Like talk about boys and why they are dumb. Like play beauty shop and let you turn my hair into a rat's nest resembling Amy Winehouse.

I also started thinking about how you'll hate me when you turn 13. And how that hate won't subside until you're about 20. I hope it doesn't happen this way, but I know it may. I just hope that hate speckles those years rather than dominates them. I thought about all the ways you might be like me. And the ways you might not.

In the last year you have taught me even more about myself. You have turned our worlds upside down with your smiles and laughs and your squeals. You have let us experience all the glory of the first year all over again. I have learned what it's like to be a mother of a daughter and how things are just different. You look at things differently with a same sex child. You relate differently.

My sweet girl. You are smart. Loving. Opinionated. Stubborn. Beautiful. You are light. I see so much of myself in you already it almost scares me.

You are so different from your brother. He's mellow - you're, well, NOT. He's a go with the flow kind of guy, you're a my way or the highway kind of girl. You're a snuggle bug, he liked to spread out. You're independent, he wanted more done for him. He's a mama's boy, and you're a daddy's girl. Unless you are hurt, then only mama can make it better.

There are so many things I wish for you. I want you to be happy. I want you live your version of your dreams - not mine. I want to be wise enough to let you. I want you to be strong - but not solitary. I want you to know that we will ALWAYS have your back. I want to see you and D continue to adore each other the way you do now. I hope you trust me enough to tell me your secrets. I hope I'm strong enough not to judge. For your sake, I hope I've learned from my own mother how to parent a daughter, and how not to.

I love you, baby girl. More than I have the words to express. More than I ever thought possible. I will do anything and everything for you. To keep you safe, you make you strong.

I'm crazy in love with you. My girl.

Winter Wonderland

 

Updates

We have had a lot of doc appointments in the last couple of weeks. We had Sasha's 9-month. She measured an impressive 29.5" and weighs almsot 21 pounds. She's doing very well in terms of development. She's also cruising ahead of her brother in terms of ear tubes. She's getting them next week. Dylan got them right after his first birthday. And so the competition begins...

Dylan had his 5 year appointment last week. He's 48 inches tall which means I will now refer to his height in feet. He's 4 feet tall and weighs about 60 pounds. Also doing well with development. Doc agrees he definitely thinks about things a bit differently than most but it will likely facilitate great creativity in his future. Three cheers for being a non-comformist.

The cute factor in our house has gotten out of control. Sasha thinks Dylan is the funniest human being on earth. Everytime he speaks to her she starts giggling uncontrollably. Seriously, you could die from the cuteness.

5 years.

5 years ago I became a mom. Everything changed. My definition of love, my definition of life, my definition of me. I went from Clara to Dylan's mom. I went from sleepingin on the weekends to getting up before 7 everyday. I became a woman. A parent. A better person.

Thank you my dear boy for teaching me what unconditional love really looks like. What dissapointment really looks like and what beauty really looks like. I didn't know what any of them were before you.

I hope you live your dreams. I hope I am open enough to accept those dreams if they don't coincide with my own for you. Then again, if you're happy, then all my dreams will be realized.

I love you baby. (I mean big boy)

Thanks Diego

Dylan has been into Diego. Diego asks questions like - Does a whale live in the ocean, the forest or the zoo?

This morning D asked me the following:
Do I pee with my hair or my penis?

Thanks Diego.

Ear We Go Again

We went to the pediatrician tonight for the second time in as many nights. I was suspecting and an ear infection for the girl last night and then I was wrong. Tonight I took her back and tonight I was right. This makes #4 for her. This time her recheck won't be at her pediatrician's office. It will be with the ENT. We'll likely get her tubes.

Dylan got tubes shortly after his first birthday. It was the best thing we could have done for him.

I'm so pissed off at the world that we are going through this again. Pissed off that my daughter has been exclusively breast fed since day one and she has had 4 ear infections. Pissed off that my son has 10 by his first bday and was exclusively breast fed until 10.5 months. Pissed off that no matter what I do I can't seem to keep the fucking ear infections away from my babies.

I hope we get in to see the ENT soon. I hope he tells me Sasha will get tubes and I hope that appointment comes sooner rather than later.

Changes

Things are changing in my world. I have started a new job after almost 4 years at my last, we have kindergarten registration for Dylan next week, Sasha is starting to wave/say "ba bye" and she pulled up to a stand the other day.

All these changes are making me spin. I feel like the world is spinning and I'm just standing still while everyhting happens around me. I'm trying to get my head wrapped around so many things right now.

I can't believe next week we go to Dylan's kindergarten registration. I can't believe my little boy will go to school next year. I've written before that I worry about him. He's immature. That's what it comes down to. He is smart as a whip and knows just about everything he is supposed to know when he leaves kindergarten, but he's immature. I worry how this will affect him once he gets to school. How this will affect his interactions with other children. I just worry.

He's so funny...

I often say that if it wasn't for D, I wouldn't make it through some of my days. He's so damn funny. Don't get me wrong, the girl is getting me through a lot these days. She says MAMA now when she looks at me or wants me. It's absolutely heartwarming.

Dylan is hillarious. He says the goofiest things. He knows a ton of words but doesn't always know what they mean. Tonight I was eating his toes, because, well, I do that when they are clean. He told me to stop copying him. It wasn't the right usage but it was with the right inflections. We giggled, A LOT.

I'm drawing a blank on some of the other gems, but I'm sure they'll come to me. Proof positive I need to do this blogging business more often.

Crying Game...again

About 1 month ago, we made the decision to let our precious baby girl cry it out. It was a spur of the moment decision, as so many parenting decisions seem to be. A decision made out of necessity. She was making me crazy with her late night feedings and a crazy mommy is a bad mommy. Suddenly, she began eating at 1am as well as 4. Ok, I figured she was going through her 6-month growth spurt. Although, my children don't seem to have growth spurts - just constant growth resulting in "off-the-charts" kids. But I digress. I was perfectly ok with letting her eat. As long as she went right back to sleep. But one night, she decided she wasn't going back to sleep. She decided she was going to play. With my nose. With her hands. With my hair. As long as I was holding her she was happy as can be. The moment I put her down she screamed bloody murder. It was clear. She was playing me.

So, after about 35 minutes of trying to put her down, I had had enough. I decided it was time. Time to see what she would do. So we let her cry (I cried too). We went in after 5 minutes and soothed her. Then again after 10. About 2 minutes after we went in the second time, she stopped crying. I was in shock. My daughter is stubborn and the silence stunned me. I should have known better. For the next 30 minutes she tried to ride us out. She cycled - 3 minutes crying, 2 minutes not. I felt like in those 2 minutes of silence she was tapping her wrist where a watch would be and thinking to herself - Alright people, you have exactly 2 minutes to come get me or I shall scream. Again. All in all it took about 45 minutes and she went to sleep.

The next night there were no tears. The next night 25 minutes and the next 15 minutes. Funny thing is, the nights she cried at 1am, she slept through until the morning. The night she didn't, she wanted to eat at 4. This taught me something - she doesn't need to eat at night anymore. Since those first few nights, there have only been about 3 nights when the baby has had to cry at all.

She is now sleeping through the night and falling asleep peacefully as she nurses at bedtime. We are able to, at least occasionally, put her down for a nap without tears. In a nutshell, things have been much better with the wee one. We're still exhausted since she gets up at 6am like clockwork, but things are better.

On the flip side, she seems to be equally as prone to ear infections as Dylan. November 30th we were in the ER with her. She had a double ear infection. She was checked 2 weeks later and she was fine. Xmas Eve, we were at the doc again. Another double ear infection. We have a recheck Friday and I'm sue she'll be fine. I will also be talking to the doctor about a referral to the ENT. We'll see what happens.

When mom's attack - update

About a week ago, a mom verbally assaulted my child. I was so angry I left the party. After most people had gone, 3 women spoke to the crazy mom about her behavior. They explained how inappropriate it was and she simply stated she reacted the way she would with her own children. Sad. It seemed they finally made her understand she was wrong after a while. At the end of her friends talking to her, she said she was going to call me. My friend who hosted told me this. The week went by and there was no phone call.

This morning, we took the baby to get her ears rechecked after her diagnosed-at-2-am-in-ER ear infection from 2 weeks ago. As we are waiting to be seen, who should walk into the office - the yelling mom. I was so stunned to see her there. She immediately muttered an apology to me and then apologized to Dylan. Again, she repeated she just did what she does with her own kid. Sad, sad, sad. The apology to me was not sufficient. She says she will call. I wonder if she will.

In brighter new, my BFF is coming for a visit Saturday-Tuesday with her hubby and new baby girl. I can't wait to meet her little bundle and to spend some time with the girl who knows me better than anyone.

When Moms Attack

I don't think I have ever been as angry at anyone as I am at an acquaintance this evening.

I was at a Hanukkah party tonight with both kids. There were no dads present - it was a mom and kids party. We were all hanging out and suddenly heard one of the little (almost 2) kids crying. None of us saw what happened but she wasn't on the floor, she wasn't bleeding or otherwise, visibly, hurt. Her mother swooped in and took her away. The mother returned shortly thereafter and proceeded to YELL at my son that he should never, never touch the other child because she is a baby. We're talking full-on finger wagging yelling. I was sitting about 10 feet away with my own baby and was stunned.

The mother walked away and another woman at the party looked at me and said, "well that was uncalled for." And she was right. I immediately called Dylan over and he let me know the child came over to the kitchen set he was playing with and he pushed her. I know there is NO WAY he pushed her hard since she is little and she didn't even fall. We discussed how that's not ok, etc.

I was shaking. I was stunned not only at the way my child was spoken to, but by the fact that I didn't really do anything. I didn't even talk to the mother at the end of the night. I wanted to pull her aside and get in her face as she got in my child's. But I was on my own and couldn't leave my children to do so. I didn't want to make a scene. I didn't want to cause any more stress than there already was because of her behavior. Several of this woman's close friends were at the party and they were all appalled by her behavior.

I'm not blind. I know my child's behavior isn't always perfect. He frequently takes toys away from other kids instead of having a conversation about sharing. But we're working on it. I don't expect other parents to turn a blind eye to other children's behavior towards their own child. But there are appropriate ways to handle it. SCREAMING in a child's face is not an appropriate behavior. EVER, much less when it's someone else's child.

I left the party shortly after all this happened. Everyone knew I was angry. I was so angry I was shaking. But I didn't want to cause a scene and I knew I was incapable of having a calm conversation at that moment. So I chose to rise above and leave. I chose to be the better, bigger person and not repeat undesirable behavior.

As I was leaving, the hostess (D's best friend's mom) asked if I was going to say anything. I told her I couldn't and she said she would. I'm curious to hear how that conversation goes.

I still want to deck the woman who yelled at my kid, but we managed to turn it into a lesson about how it feels to be yelled at by someone. And for that, I'm a good mom.

Beat

I have been working almost constantly over the course of the last week. Actually taking a very brief break right now to post. I literally fell asleep working on a presentation last night. It's sad, really. I'm pretty much in the same place tonight as well. Must. get. some. sleep. soon.

And with that, NaBloPoMo is officially over.

One More Day...

After tonight, only one more day of posting before I can take a little break. It will be nice to write when I want to, not just because I have to. It will be nice not to have the pressure of this on top of all the other pressures.

Blocked

I've been having a tough time finding things to write about lately. It's actually a really good thing. I find the happier I am the tougher it is to find things to write about. It's a lot easier to write about being down than happy. So, here's to the writer's block sticking around for a bit.

Booooring

Upon finishing Ratatouille:

Dylan, did you like the movie.

Mommy, it was REALLY boring.

Seriously?

I was looking for something mindless to watch while catching up on some work tonight and happened upon "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV. This is the most ridiculous show out there. If you don't know the premise, here it is - for 30 minutes we get to look into the life of some over privileged brat planning her sweet 16 party. We're talking about parties that cost in excess of $100K. Seriously?

Why on earth, no matter how much money you make, would you think it is appropriate, not to mention necessary, to allow your child to spend that much on a 16th birthday party. Add to that a luxury vehicle of their choice and you get the most obnoxious show out there.

What do these parents think they're teaching their children? What are they doing besides instilling a sense of entitlement? A sense of entitlement that will stay with them throughout their lives and only be a disservice to them. We've all known people like this - and usually they end up learning a very hard lesson.

NaBloPoMo Day 25

It has been an incredibly long weekend and in some ways I'm very happy it's over. On the other hand, I really wish I had one more day to do nothing. Or actually, to do a lot. I have so many things to do in this house and no time to do them. Oh well, maybe it will all get done at some point. That's all I have the energy for at this point.

Still Kicking

Amazingly, we're all still alive in our house. I haven't killed anyone, yet. I always hoped I would have the type of in-laws my parents are - as confirmed by my husband. In-laws who love and accept their child's spouse as their own. In-laws who would love my children and want nothing more than to spend time with them. In-laws who would be thrilled to see their son with someone who adores him and makes him happy. Unfortunately, that's not what I got.

What I got is in-laws who think they are the center of the universe and see nothing wrong with trying to watch "Dirty, Sexy Money" in front of a 4-year-old. In-laws who would rather go shopping than hang out with their grandkids. In-laws who hate me because I'm not their version of perfect. Because I have an opinion and my husband respects me. Because my children come first and I refuse to move the kids down in the ranks to allow us to go to the mall or out to breakfast.

We have tried to make things go smoothly with them. To meet them 3/4 of the way on a spectrum we can't even define. We try and we have come to accept the fact that things will never be more than superficial with them and that's the way it is. It's unfortunate.

So while the situation with my in-laws sucks, I did get their son who I love in spite of them. I got a man who sees their flaws and their mistakes and is determined not to repeat them. A man who is aware of the impact of his upbringing. A man who loves his children and wife and would do anything for us. I got a good man who has shitty parents.

Question of the day?

What's more important - spending the day with grandchildren you see 3 times a year or shopping at the Mall of America? The answer seems obvious, doesn't it?

Thanks

I spend a lot of time bitching about the things I don't like about life while there are a great many things I am thankful for in life.

Here's a brief list:
2 amazingly wonderful children
1 great husband
my friends
family
a roof over my head
clothes on my back
food on my table.

We had a wonderful dinner this evening at which 13 people managed to consume a 20 pound turkey. Now that's a compliment to the cook (me!).

Biting my Tongue

Anytime "family" visits it's a true exercise in biting my tongue. It's not easy, but it's something I have learned to do very well. Keep the peace for the greater good. Shut up so there aren't any fights. I wonder how much longer I can keep doing it?

a loss

I'm at a loss for words tonight and I don't find myself in that position very often. For some reason I have a mental block right now and I just can't get the thoughts in my head to turn into words on a screen. If feels like a dam which is about to be broken. I'm almost afraid of what will come out when it breaks.

Gobble Gobble

We host Thanksgiving at our home every year. The number of attendee ranges from 13-18 and I make every drop of food on the table. Every year I add something to menu. A new side or salad. Change the way I prepare the turkey ever so slightly. This year, I've done none of this. This year I am making all my tried and true recipes.

Most years, I anticipate Thanksgiving and worry about getting everything on the table in time. This year, I really don't care. I'm not nervous,I'm not anxious. I'm rather ambivalent. This year, I just want to get it over with and move on.

Whilrwind

Every weekend is a whirlwind. We don't intend for it to be, but it ends up being one. I don't know why. I don't know why we seem incapable of just staying in and hanging out at home. Not leaving the house for a day. It would sure as hell help me get some stuff done around the house. But no, we have to run around all weekend every weekend.

ugh.

Saturday Haiku

I hate six month shots
They made my baby girl crab
She seems over it

A birth story

6 months ago my baby girl came into our world. I remember everything about that day. It was Wednesday May 16. I had my regular OB appointment Tuesday. I was ready to meet my baby and ready not to be pregnant anymore. We made an appointment for me to be induced May 21. 4 days before my due date. I left work that day elated that an end to pregnancy was in sight. I told everyone I would see them the next day.

I woke at 2:15 am with very distinct labor pains. I knew what was happening but decided to wait a bit. I started timing the contractions. Like clockwork they were coming every 5 minutes and lasting about a minute. They were worse than with D. I felt them in my back as well as my abdomen. I continued to time the contractions and watch the clock until about 3:30 when I decided it was time to wake Dave. I told him I was in labor and he bolted awake. I called the doctor and as soon as I said this wasn't my first baby, the on call doc told me to go to the hospital. We called my parents to come over and take care of D. While we waited for them Dave took a shower and I got some last minute things together and pulled on some clothes.

We got to the hospital around 4:30 or 5. By this point we were about half way there. I told the nice nurses I didn't want any drugs and they started monitoring me. I got moved to a room and continued laboring away. Contractions were only about 3 minutes apart.

Around 8:30 my OB came in to see me and broke my water. I was about 6.5cm dilated. I asked how long she thought it would be. She said I'll have a baby in an hour. That was music to my ears. I had been in back labor for over 6 hours without a drop of medication. 45 minutes later it was almost time to push. My doctor came back in and we started preparing for the big event. When it came time to push, she entered the world much like her brother before her. With Dave on one side of me and my mom on the other. I pushed for 5 minutes, which was probably two contractions, and she arrived. I was told she was a girl and I think the tears started streaming immediately. She didn't cry upon entry like I remembered D crying. I asked why she wasn't crying and the doctor and nurse calmed me and said she would. And she did. That's when the tears really came.

I had a baby girl and she was ok. She had 10 fingers and 10 toes and amazing eyes and gorgeous lips. She nursed immediately, never needed any guidance. She looked like me. She loved to snuggle more than D ever did. Still does.

Anyone who knows me knows my children are my world. I would do anything in the world to protect them and defend them. I love them more fiercely than I ever thought I could love.

My boy is my heart. He is my soul. He made me a mother. He has the sweetest heart and I just want to drink in his essence. He is sensitive like I am. He is stubborn like I am. But he gives up more easily than I do and he is more easy going, like his dad. The love I feel for him is so great that I didn't know if I could ever love another child as much. I actually doubted it for a little bit even after my baby girl was born.

I was wrong. I love her just as much. My girl is more a reflection of myself than I could have ever imagined. Already I can see she will be tenacious. Stubborn. Opinionated. She will challenge me in ways D never will. She will push me to get her way the same way I pushed. She will get mad. She will fight will all her might the same her mama always has. And she will be fiercely loved all along the way.

Upswing

I was finally able to eat around noon today and started feeling human around 3. Short lived but evil little virus. Back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

Blech

I'm sick today. Woke up with a migraine and THOUGHT I had slept it off. Went in to work and discovered I was wrong. So I came home and spent the day on the couch and in bed. I think I'm starting to feel better and I KNOW Dave will be on baby duty tonight.

And this makes it all worthwhile

Dave took Dylan swimming tonight. On their way Dave called and said, "I just can't compete." He went on to tell that as they were entering the gym the following conversation occured:

You know what Daddy?

What Dylan?

I REALLY love Mommy.

And it's official, the boy couldn't possibly be any sweeter.

Paradigm Shift

There's been a lot talk on this blog lately about being down or feeling guilty or being angry at the past or being unsure of myself. I'm done with it.

I'm done with being caught up in what is wrong or what is bad or sad or mad. I'm ready to focus on glad. I'm ready to start looking at the world through mildly pink tinted glasses. Let's not get too crazy; I'm definitely not ready for truly rose colored glasses. I'm ready to start taking some of the advice I've been doling out lately about creating your own happiness and taking control of your life. The advice about not letting outside sources control your happiness.

This week I will not allow work to get to me. I will not allow my self-perceived failures to cast a dark cloud over my actual successes. I will not allow stupid people to piss me off. I will not get depressed over my physique, the fact that new Digital SLR camera and a shopping spree at Banana Republic aren't in the budget or my house looking like, GASP!, children actually live there.

This week I will be happy. Or at least fake it so damn well that I fool even myself.

Weekend Update

It's been a busy weekend.

Here's a rundown.

# of bday parties: 3
# of meals eaten at home: 1
# of times we have been to Target: 3
# of times D has asked if it is Hanukkah/Christmas yet: 546879843132467987634
# of glasses of wine: not enough

Fraudulant Behavior

Half the time I feel like I'm just playing the part of a grown up. Like I'm going through the motions of being a professional, a wife, a home owner, a mother. I feel like everyone has it more together than I do.Like at any moment I will be found out and exposed for what I really am. Scared. Terrified, in fact. Terrified of failure. Failing at work and failing at home. Failing at being an adult. Failing at life.

I have a great family. My kids are thriving so I must be doing something right. A great marriage. I'm fairly successful. I have a great home. But it never seems to be enough. It's never enough to convince me that I'm good enough, smart enough and that, gosh darn it, people like me. It's the scared little girl I used to be coming out to make sure I don't forget about her. To make sure I don't forget to work harder. Try harder. Demand more. Always more because if I don't keep demanding more of myself I might become complacent. And nothing good comes with complacency.

So I hope I never become 100% sure of myself. I hope I always little doubts in my mind, here and there. Things I think I can improve about myself. About the way I do my job, raise my kids, run my home or be a wife. I hope I can always maintain the humility it takes to realize you can do better. Because it's always possible to do something better.

Songs, Scents and Sickness

I am a person ruled by my memories. I remember way more than I would like to and those memories are often guided by songs and, occassionally, scents. I feel sick right now.

Sick because a co-worker was drinking a Strawberry/Kiwi Snapple. Sick because an ex-boyfriend used to drink them right before coming to my house. Before walking in my front door and kissing me. The sweetness of the drink flavored every kiss and every word spoken. That scent of sweetness makes me want to vomit. Literally. It reminds me of a time when there were so many promises made, none of which were kept. When I was naiive and in love enough to believe anything. A time when I made some of the biggest mistakes of my life. When I allowed a person into my life who had no business being there in the first place, much less staying there for 5 fucking years. Sick because I still can't stop hating him. Sick because I don't know if I want to. It's been 8 fucking years since we parted and he still makes me sick.

I know this can't be the first time I smelled this smell in the last 8 years but it's the first time it hit me like this. It's the first time I remember smelling it in 8 years.

I'm not used to this from a scent. I'm used this from songs. Songs evoke such strong memories for me. Here's a brief list of songs that make me remember very specific moments in time:
Breakfast at Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something
Is This Love? - Whitesnake
Angel Eyes - Jeff Healey Band
End of the Innocence - Don Henley
Whoomp There It Is - Tag Team (yes, seriously)
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
Run-Around - Blues Traveler
Little Black Backpack - Stroke 9
I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues - Elton John
Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls
All I Want is You - U2
Send me on my Way - Rusted Root
Sunrise, Sunset

All of these songs put back to a very specific place. I can picture everything about the moment they are related to. I know where I was, I know who I was with.

Closer to Fine? Dancing in the rain with Becky while Jim and Dave looked on at the Indigo Girls concert at Ravinia in Chicago in 2000.
All I Want is You - dancing for the first time as husband and wife at our wedding.
Send me on my Way - picking songs for a video after D's first bday.
Sunrise, Sunset - dancing with my dad at my wedding and letting him I believe I was "daddy's little girl" for a moment while my mom stood off to the side sobbing.

All of the songs above take me back. Some to good time, some to bad. But they all take me back. Sometimes I feel like without music, I wouldn't have any memories at all.

Mommy Guilt

It took me a long time to get over the guilt I felt when I put Dylan into daycare at 12 weeks of age. He adjusted well and I saw him blossoming. He has great friends and is in a wonderful environment. He has fun and most mornings drop off involves a quick hug, kiss, I love yous and he runs off to play with a smile. This morning was different. This morning I took both kids to the doctor for colds, they're fine, and brought them to daycare late. Sasha is still young enough not to notice. Dylan, on the other hand, definitely noticed the extra time with mom.

On the way to daycare he started begging not to be left there. "Don't go to work, Mommy."

When we got there, I had to peel him off me after 20 hugs and kisses. He wanted to wave to me through the window. He did so with tears in his eyes mouthing the words don't go. By the time I got in the car, I had tears in my eyes too. There are days I wonder if it's worth it. If the life we lead is worth the time away from my kids. I have written before about the push and pull I feel about being a working mother. Most days I handle it well. Most days I enjoy my time at work and being me. I enjoy the drive to and from work with my husband when we get to have an actual converstation.

But on days like today, I wish I had the freedom to just scoop him up in my arms and go play. Go have fun and make memories. Cater to his every whim rather than catering to the demands of work. I wish my children didn't get what little is left of me at the of the day. I wish I got to spend more than 2 waking hours a day with them. Neither of those hours being quality time. The hour in the morning is spent running around trying to get out the door. The hour in the evening is spent trying to get dinner, get play time, baths, books, bed. I spend half the time sequestered in a room with Sasha, feeding her and putting her to bed. It's wonderful time I spend with her. It's time I don't spend with D. I miss him, he misses me I feel guilty. I don't spend enough time with Sasha, I feel guilty. I don't spend enough time with Dave, I feel guilty. I think about the kids and home at work, I feel guilty. I think about work at home, I feel guilty.

Will there ever be a time when I don't feel guilty?

Things I say

There are so many things I say over the course of a day that I never, in a million years, thought I would be saying. Or at least not saying them as often as I do.

Here's a list:
Move allegro not adaggio!
Please be a boy, not a puppy. Don't lick me.
Stop touching your penis.
My pony tail is not a handle.
My pony tail is not a train whistle.

There are definitely a lot more but they are escaping me at the moment. Come out of lurkdom and tell me the things you say which you never thought you would.

Gen X in action

This morning, in the car, we had one of those moments that can only really happen to Gen Xers. We were driving the kids to daycare and flipped to a radio station which happened to be playing Bohemian Rhapsody. Of course, Dave and I started singing immediately, taking turns belting out the different parts of the song. Dylan was not amused and asked us to stop singing. I told him that simply was not an option for this song. We finished out the song just as we were pulling into the driveway of our daycare providers home. I had just headbanged before 8am and I was in a good mood.

Thank you, Wayne's World, for bringing this song to Gen X to enjoy in our own little way.

And seriously, Wayne's World came out in 1992!!! Damn I'm old. And, for an added note of amusement, Dave and I met in Aurora, IL.

Blushing Sailors

Dylan is 4.5. In his 4.5 years he has picked up a few choice words. At about 15 months he walked around saying "faaaa, faaaaa" after hearing me scream "FUCK!" into the phone about 25 times in a row after getting off a work call. On. a. Saturday.

At around 18 months he said "shit" every time I would drop something into the cart at Target. Lately he saws "aw crap" whenever he doesn't like what he is told to do. We're trying to replace it with "aw man."

The entertaining part of all this is that the swearing children are usually the fault of the men in their lives. Not in my house. It's all my fault. I have a mouth that could make a sailor blush. I have a very solid grasp of the English language and can easily describe any situation and express myself without the use of swear words quite well. But there are times when it really seems no other words will do. Most of these times are at work. Thankfully, I work in an environment where cursing is embraced. Because otherwise I would be reduced to "aw man" being the strongest language I could use. And that, internet, would just be fucking wrong.

Giggles

I have never known a person who can make me laugh as much as my son. He says the silliest, most hillarious things on a regular basis. There are days when I don't know what I would do without his giggles or the giggles he makes come out of my mouth. My daughter is starting to this as well. She has been really, REALLY laughing lately. And I can make her laugh.

Really, is there anything sweeter than the sound of a baby who has just learned how to belly laugh? No.

NaBloPoMo Day 3

This is getting tough already. You might notice I removed the "Facebook sucks" button from my page. It's not because I think Facebook sucks any less, but because I still have my account and I feel it's hypocritical of me to have both the button and an account. I still have the account because it allows me to reconnect with people and that's important to me.

All in all, today was a great day. We ran errands together and hung out all day. The kids were both fantastically behaved and Sasha went to bed well. We have some friends and their kids over for dinner and none of the kids argued. What could be better?

I'm exhausted, it's late and I want to watch a TiVoed show then go to sleep.

Good night.

Do they make coffee IVs?

Apparently, Sasha has yet to recieve the memo that sleeping through the night is perfectly appropriate behavior for a 5.5 month-old. I can't take it. Even on the nights I don't end up feeding her she still wakes up at least once for a pacifier. in the 5.5 months she has been alive I have had approximately 5 nights where I have slept through the night. And, even those night, I usually wake up at 6 to go pump before my boobs explode. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. She eats. and eats. and eats.

She gets three 7 ounce bottles of breast milk a day at daycare along with a morning and before bed nursing session. She now eats a fair amount of cereal before the last nursing of the day as well. And she still thinks she needs to eat at night. I'm sorry baby girl, but you weigh 19 pounds and are only 5.5 months old. I don't think you need to eat at night. Not that I think my baby needs a diet or anything completely inane like that, but really, she should be able to last the night.

In the meantime, I have been walking around in such a fog that it's a wonder I make it through my days. I never feel like I am giving the proper amount of attention to anyone or anything. I just want to be able to give 100% to SOMETHING OR SOMEONE for even 1 day. Is that really too much to ask?

What the hell did I just sign up for?

I just made the decision to participate in NaBloPoMo which will involve me writing something every. damn. day. Oh boy.

I will also be participating in NoBloShoeMo which is Susan's brainchild.

Should be an interesting November.

So, for today's post, here are the monkey and pumpkin in my life.

Word Scramble

The words aren't flowing very well these. They feel all jumbled up in my head and I'm unable to sort them out. It's a clusterfuck of thoughts and feelings and emotions that are taking over. It feels like a flood gate has been opened and I don't know what garbage will flow through.

There is so much going on in life that I can't sort it out. I can't get my head wrapped around what it is I have to do in a day, a week or month. I make list after list just to try to get it straight and then I lose the list. Fitting.

Everything is getting overwhelming all at once and I just want to be able to sort out the words in my head. And then maybe, just maybe, everything else will get sorted out as well.

I'm not cute!

ME: Dylan, you look so cute!

D: I'm nooooot cuuuuute! (in his best whiny voice.)

ME: Why not?

D: Only little girls are cute. Big boys are so handsome.

DUH! Why didn't I think of that!

Tattle Tails

- Mommy, Daddy said "stupid"!
- He did? Why did he say that?
- He said "stupid movie" about Wiggly, Wiggly, World.

We have officially reached the tattling phase. Woo-frickin'-hoo.

Ups and Downs

I go through ups and downs, I think we all do. Right now I'm in a down. Not too sure why, never am. What I do know is I hate the down slopes. I hate the times when every little thing can reduce me to tears in a matter of seconds. I hate the times when the list of frustrations runs long and my temper runs short. I hate when I have a tough time finding the joy in things.

There are some tangible things getting me down.

Sasha's continuing GI issues. 1 out of 3 hemocult cultures (testing for blood in her stool) came back positive. Saturday she had visible blood in her stool. The doctor isn't terribly concerned and thinks it's just a sensitivity to something I am eating but we don't know what that is. I've been off dairy since the end of August and it has made a huge difference. I've been extremely careful about my consumption and I definitely have not had any dairy. I don't know what else it could be. I haven't had anything new. I feel like a failure. I feel like I can't even feed my daughter. I want to know what's wrong. I don't.

I'm off dairy. This is really challenging and starting to impact my quality of life a bit. Going out to eat, one of my favorite things to do, is laborious and no that enjoyable as I have to examine everything I eat. I can't have treats or the bast majority of frozen foods. No frozen lunch meals which means more prep for bringing a lunch to work and I don't have time for that so I eat out too much which is extra calories and extra money spent.

My body sucks. I weigh less than I did when I got married and before I was pregnant with Dylan. I wore a skirt today I bought 6 years ago and it looked great. But what's going on underneath is so depressing. Not that I'm doing anything to change it. At least I look decent in clothes.

Work is kicking my ass. I'm stuck in a middle management role where I am responsible for a lot but enabled to make virtually no decisions.

I don't see my friends and I miss them.

There is plenty of good in my life. My children are amazing. My job, at the end of the day, is fairly rewarding. My friends are wonderful and I know they are there for me.

Just need to ride it out and the ups will come back.

Let's talk about breasts, baby!

I now have a "Facebook Sucks" button on my page. Why? Well, seems that Facebook has taken to deleting photos of women breastfeeding their children. Those photos are "inappropriate." However, flashing your tits at a frat party and posting the photos for all to see is OK. Um, sure.

I breastfeed, I do it in public. I do it in private. I do it wherever I damn well please and the first person to ever ask me to put away my boob when my baby is hungry will be told exactly where to go. Luckily, noone has been dumb enough to say a word to me yet. Then again, I have mastered the art of discreetly, publicly breastfeeding (without a cover I might add). Seriously, men have started up conversations with me while my car was getting serviced without a clue as to what I was doing. They thought the baby was sleeping.

What I find the most entertaining about the whole Facebook issue is that breasts displayed in a sexual manner are ok but breasts being shown sustaining human life are not. It's fucked up. If I want to post a picture of myself nursing my baby girl for my friends to see, which I don't want to post, who the hell cares. Seriously, half the Twin Cities metro area has seen at least a glimpse of my boobs at this point.

I'm surprised, a little, at how comfortable I am with the whole thing. Granted, I used to dance at First Ave. in my bra, but I was 15 and had a rockin' bod and no one could actually SEE my boobs. Anyway, I've always been comfortable showing (a lot of) cleavage and showing off my assets but I've never been one to freely show my breasts. Not in a locker room, not if front of a boyfriend or friends. But with breastfeeding it's different. They're not sexual in this situation. They are totally utilitarian. They are there to serve a purpose and getting my daughter fed is more important than any modesty. Besides, that modesty went out the window when I gave birth. After that sight I didn't really care anymore.

What I'm totally suprised by is how my husband doesn't care about the public breastfeeding either. Hubby dear loves the boobs. Always has, always will. He thinks they're the greatest things ever. And he considers it a great privilage that he is the only one that get to see them in all their glory. BUT, he too recognizes that when I am nursing they are far from a sexual thing. He understands that feeding our daughter whenever she needs is more important than anything else. He understand that I will always be as modest as I can. And he understands that everyone needs to get over themselves and just look away.

Here we go again

Sasha is sick. My instincts told me what was wrong this morning but I was in denial and sent her to daycare anyway. All day long I waited for the call to come get her. The call to hurry it up came at 4:40. We got to my daycare and I took my baby girl in my arms. I gently pushed on her right ear and she winced and cried. That was all I needed to tell me she had an ear infection. We took her to the doctor and it was confirmed. She has an ear infection. I was so hopeful we would escape ear infections with her.

Dylan had 10 ear infections between 3 months and 1 year when he got tubes. It was hell for all of us. I felt terrible for D and that he had to endure so much at such a young age. It always amazed us that he would still sleep through the night even with a double ear infection.

I have decided that with Sasha there will be a 4 ear infection limit. IF she gets a fourth ear infection I will demand a visit to the ENT and demand tubes. She should not have to endure the continued pain of ear infection. I hate myself for not doing this with Dylan but I trusted that it would always be the last one. I won't make that mistake again.

Me

Sometimes I just need a fucking break. To read a book in peace. To cry. To laugh. To sleep.

Sometimes I just need a chance to be me. To be Clara. Not Dave's wife or Dylan's mommy or Sasha's mommy or my parents' daughter.

Sometimes I just want to be defined as myslef. And then I wonder - Do I even know myself anymore? Do I know what I would do if I didn't have my family to take care of, my job to do? Who the hell am I? What are my interests? What do I like to do? I like to go to movies, museums, plays, concerts. I like to read, cook and go to happy hour with friends.

I don't remember the last time I did any of those things, with the exception of reading, for the just the pleasure of it. I think I need to figure out how to bring those things back to my life. Any ideas?

A parent's job

As parents it is our job to worry. Our job to take every little thing they do, or don't do, and examine it. Look at that action from every different angle and try to discern whether or not it's "normal." Whatever "normal" means.

There are times I worry about Dylan. Ask him a question and the answer may or may not make sense. It might be related to the question or it might be a verbalization of whatever is going on in his head at that moment. There are times he says things with perfect pronunciation that make perfect sense and sound so advanced for his age. Yet there are others that he babbles whatever is going on his head. I look at his peers and I see this is fairly normal.

There was a time, a few years ago, when I was worried. Dylan exhibited some early signs of Autism that were hard to ignore. Everything had to be sorted by color, by size, by shape, by type. Everything had to be just so. He was so particular from such an early age that it freaked me out. I would see that behavior and be scared of what it could mean. It meant nothing. Luckily, I know enough about Autism to know that socialization is really the biggest indicator of whether or not a child is on "the spectrum." Anyone who has met Dylan know he is very social. It was the one thing that put my mind at ease.

Today I worry that he won't be ready for kindergarten next year. That he still won't have the concentration it takes to sit still and listen. The comprehension to learn the things he needs to learn. Then I think about it. Why the hell am I worried about something that is in a year? What the hell is wrong with me that I don't see the progress he has made in the last year? I think back to swimming lessons last fall. He couldn't keep his head out of the water long enough to listen. He didn't yet have respect for the teacher/student relationship. This year he sits quietly and listens to the teacher. He focuses on what he is being taught and makes a real effort. He has come so far.

I am so confident that he will grow to be an intelligent, wonderful child who is creative and whimsical. That he will be compassionate and kind. I try to remain confident that he will be ready to make the leap into kindergarten next year. And you know what? If he isn't, does it really fucking matter? Does it matter if he goes to school at 6 rather than at 5? No, it doesn't. A dear friend went through kindergarten twice because his mother felt he wasn't ready to move on. Well, he proceeded to graduate from both undergrad and his MBA program something Cum Laude.

Then I look at what he is supposed to be able to accomplish at the end of kindergarten and he has 95% of it already mastered. I guess I really don't need to worry.

But I will, because that is my job.

A year ago

Today is one year since I found out I was pregnant. Since the little line on the stick finally turned a color after 5 months of blanks. One year since I found out that, once again, my life would be turned upside down in the most amazing way.

A year ago I was dealing with some of the same things I am dealing with now with one very significant difference - this year it's because of my amazing 4 month-old and last year it was because of the promise of a baby.

Exhaustion then = early pregnancy
Exhaustion now = a baby who doesn't sleep through the night yet

Sore breasts then = early pregnancy
Sore breasts now = breastfeeding

Poochy tummy then = early pregnancy
Poochy tummy now = 2 kids, 'nuf said

One year ago I was in disbelief that it was finally happening. I was scared about what the future would bring. I was hoping with all of my being that I would carry this pregnancy to term. That I would once again be lucky enough to have a healthy baby. I was nervous about how Dylan would react to a new little person in the house. I was scared about how I would deal with another baby. I was scared about how another baby would affect my marriage.

This year, I get to look at the beutiful little girl I gave birth to and be in awe of her. This year I get to hold my baby in my arms and squeeze her tight. This year, I get to look at my family and wonder if it might be complete rather than knowing it wasn't yet. This year I get to see my husband be an amazing father to another lucky child. This year I get to swell with pride as I watch the two most beautiful children I have ever seen interact with each other. This year I get to say, "Yes, it's great to have one of each." This year, the dream of being a mother to a son and a daughter is no longer a dream, it's reality.

And it's the most amazing reality I could imagine.

Another actual conversation

Dylan: Daddy, don't do that again or I will put you in time out.

Dave: Dylan, you can't put me in time out.

Dylan: Daddy, you go SIT IN THE CAR. The POLICE will come and TAKE YOU AWAY!

6 years

This is what 6 years into being old and married looks like...



I suck at the self portrait but the smiles are real. During the last 6 years I have experienced some of the best, and worst, days of my life. There are times when things have been hard, but always worth it. In the last 6 years, I have never once regretted marrying the wonderful man by my side. I married the best man in the world for me and I wouldn't change it for anything.

I love you, Davey.

Can I get some wine with his wHining?

Dylan has been whining. It's driving me fucking nuts. He whines and cries about everything. The simplest request is a whine. We keep telling him to use his pretty voice and it works for a second. I haven't had the heart to just ignore him, but we're getting there.

He seems to be going through a little phase of being afraid and emotional about everything. If he doesn't want something he says it's scary or he's afraid. His eyes well up with tears at the drop of a hat. I'm not sure what's going on, but I think I have a pretty good idea.

The novelty of his sister has worn off.

Dylan was the center of our universe for over 4 years. A new little person has been on the scene for over 3 months now and I think it's starting to get a little old. She gets what she wants by crying so why shouldn't he? I imagine this is how the 4-year-old mind works.

It seems like the 4-year-old mind is in a strange place between toddler and kid. A little land where everything is the end of the world and you're not quite sure why. You know what you want and what you don't, but you're not quite sure why. You know the simple rules of right from wrong, but you aren't quite sure why one thing is right and the other is wrong.

The problem is that even if the 4-year-old mind asks why, it isn't quite mature enough to fully understand the answer.

As a parent, it's hard to look at the big kid standing in front of me and not to expect big kid behavior. Especially when the 4-year-old in question looks like he is 6. I have to constantly remind myself that he is still little. That he still needs snuggles and love and cuddles and his mommy to wipe away his tears. That he will always need those things.

But in the meantime, for the love of the mommy, please stop the whining.

She couldn't be cuter...

Actual comments from the boy

I've been keeping a log of the funny things D says. Here are some of the highlights...

"Mommy, my butt is broken. Can you fix it?" - after discovering his pj's had a hole

"Daddy and Ravi and me got busy at the park!" - telling me about a trip to the park

"Pacifiers, they need PACIFIERS!" - when asked what babies need

"Daddy, what's wrong with my sister?" "She's tired." "hmmm, I better go check with mommy."

"After I sleep then I will wake up."

That kid's a trip.

Soul Mates

Some of us are lucky enough to meet our soul mates. Some of us aren't. Most of the time, we're looking for that soul mate in the wrong person. I think most people look for their soul mate in the spouse/partner. Usually we find our soul mate in a friend.

In the 7th grade I met mine. I didn't know it at the time. As a matter of fact, I didn't like her then. We grew up and changed and eventually bonded over the craziness of our Jewish families and sneaked cigarettes in the woods by her house. We stayed up until all hours playing cards and drinking coffee in our local 24 hour restaurant/hangout. We got to know each other and shared our secrets. We talked of hopes and dreams and heartaches and sadness.

We became as close as sisters and barely went a day without seeing each other until we went off to college.

She is the one who called me out when I was neglecting friendships when I first met an ex-boyfriend. She held my hand and gave me a shoulder to cry when I stuck with the boyfriend too long and when I finally ended it. She never said "I told you so" and she never pushed me before I was ready.

She was the first to meet my husband when we started dating. He was terrified. He knew how protective I was of her and he knew she would be equally protective of me. Luckily, she approved. She was the maid of honor at our wedding and we knew we had every bit of support imaginable from her.

We are a package deal, my friend and I. Both our husbands know this. They knew coming into the marriages that they are getting both of us when they marry one.

She is the first person I want to call when something happens - engagement, pregnancy, birth, jobs, etc.

She turns 30 on Monday and I wish I was there to celebrate with her. To toast her and tell her how much I love her in person. To help her have an anti-climactic 30th bday for the same reason I had one - she's due with her first little one in a few months.

So, my dear friend, I wish you all the best in life. You are as much a part of me as my family. You are the sister I never had and the best friend I always hoped I would have. You have made a foot print on my heart that will never fade. You are the one I know I can tell my secrets to and I will never be judged. The one I know I can count on for the ear I need. The one who knows when something is wrong by the tone of my voice. The only one I miss so much sometimes I want to cry. The one I hope will someday live so close that I can see you whenever I want. The one whose children I will consider my own children's cousins. The one I would trust my children to if something were to happen to us. Thank you for being you and being a part of our lives.

Happy birthday. I love you.

What next?

Ok little girl, I love you. But really, I gave up vino when I got pregnant, next came sleep, next came caffeine, then nuts and now dairy? What's next? What's left?

A day in the life...

Inspired by Susan, whose day actually starts earlier than my own, I have decided to give everyone (no one?) insight into what it's like to be me. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat.

We're starting on Wednesday night:

11:15 crawl into bed
11:45 turn off lights after some reading
12:15 baby wakes up, nurse try to get her back to bed
1am - baby asleep, crawl into bed
2 - wake because she usually wakes up at the time, mind races with all the things I have to do
4 - ditto
6:20 - the boy comes into bed
6:30 - alarm goes off because that is what time I should be getting up to make it out of the house on time if I were working, we were supposed to start dry running this week - yeah right!
7:05 - D is bored with us trying to sleep, he goes and gets his animal books to read to us
7:30 - hop in the shower
8 ish - Sasha wakes up, nurse
8:45 - Get out of the house to take D to day care, screaming by Sasha begins since we're in the car
9:15- Leave D at daycare, head home, Sasha falls asleep
9:30 - Arrive at home, stay in car reading so as not to disturb the princess
10:15 - Sasha wakes up, go inside
10:45 - change diaper, nurse
11:00- Sasha in bouncer while I do some design work on my brother's wedding invitations
11:15 - leave for lunch with some friends, catch up with a former co-worker on the way
11:30 - pick up friends, go have lunch
12:30 - drop off friends, drive home while baby screams
12:45 - arrive at home playtime for S
1:30 - nurse, baby falls asleep
2:15 - put sasha down in her crib, she's asleep, do a happy dance, more design work
3:00 - Sasha cries, go pick her up and she immediately is back asleep
3:30 - Put Sasha in crib again, try to nap for a few minutes
4:15 - Sasha wakes up, nurse
4:45 - Sasha spits up in my hair
4:50 - take another shower
5:30 - go get D
6:15 - home from daycare, start dinner
7:00 - scarf down dinner while bouncing the baby in her bouncer
7:20 - change baby into jammies, nurse while D sits in bed with me singing and talking just so he can tell me the following "Mommy, can you say 'Please stop singing, Dylan.'?" He likes to script our conversations
7:50 - baby asleep
8:05 - I THINK I'm in the clear and can put her down in a few minutes
8:08 - mini meltdown
8:19 - put down baby, go say goodnight to D, go downstairs to watch some TV, check email, etc.
9:00 - Sasha wakes up crying, Dave goes to soothe
9:15 - Sasha cries again, I go to soothe
10:00 - up to bed, pump
10:45 - lights out
3am - baby wakes and here we go again

Caffeine Free and Half Asleep

I am currently living a caffeine free existence and it sucks. The princess gets fussy when I have caffeine. Even just a little bit. It makes me sad. It really does.

Yesterday I broke down and had to have coffee. I went to my beloved Caribou and got a half caf, skim latte with one Splenda. It was delicious. Sasha was ok, but not the best day.

This is how the night from Tuesday to Wednesday went. Lights out around 11:30 because I just can't seem to get to sleep any earlier and have a new book I'm reading so I stay up too late.

4:30 - Sasha wakes up
5:20am - Dylan comes in our room because he has to potty, crawls into bed with us (breaking my rule that if he comes in anytime before 6 he has to go back to his own bed) because I'm too tired to argue with him or deal with his dramatic pseudo meltdown
6:00 - FINALLY get Sasha back to sleep, convince D to go to sleep in our bed
6:30ish - I fall back asleep
8:20 - Wake up to D telling me that Sasha is waking up. He woke up to the monitor before we did. Nice.

The night before the princess was up from 2-3:30.

Last night she woke up at 12:15, about 10 minutes after I finally drifted off. She tried to pull this "mommy rock me to sleep in the middle of the night" business after she nursed and I refused. Swaddled her cute little tush up and put her in the crib. Popped the cork in and kept my hands on her for a few minutes, so she could feel my ever lovin' presence, until I felt her breathing fall into the slow rhythm of sleep and I left. It was 1am. She slept until about 8. Of course, since she is usually up at 2 or 4, I woke up at both of those times. Then D came in at 6:20 and crawled into bed with us.

How the hell am I going to have enough functioning brain cells to work in 2 weeks?

Rarely alone, frequently lonely

Lonely:
Pronunciation: 'lOn-lE
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): lone·li·er; -est1
a : being without company : LONE
b : cut off from others : SOLITARY
2 : not frequented by human beings : DESOLATE
3 : sad from being alone : LONESOME
4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation


Motherhood is a lonely endeavor. Especially the first few months. Which is ironic, really. In the first few months of being a new mother (or an old mother to a new human) you are almost never without company. Almost never alone. Always in the company of the little person we are responsible for keeping alive. I find these first few months to be ridiculously lonely. But, I'm no stranger to loneliness.


I don't really remember a time when I didn't feel lonely. A time when I didn't feel like I was on the outside looking in. A time when I didn't feel like there was some sort of companionship I was missing.


I lead a full life. I have friends, a husband, children. We are frequently social, I have lunch with friends regularly. But the loneliness never seems to fully subside. It lurks around every corner like the monsters under the bed. The ones that come out when the lights are out and we're all alone. Only these monsters aren't mythical creatures, they are my own thoughts. The thoughts I share with no one because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to admit, even to myself at times, that I am lonely. Because, I think, I shouldn't be anymore.

Yet, I know I'm not alone in my loneliness and that seems to make it not quite as lonely.

Loss

Last Friday night we had some very good friends over for dinner. They arrived and we offered them some beverages. B graciously accepted a beer right away and M declined some wine. I let it go. When we sat down to dinner and M still refused wine I had to ask if there was a reason. There was. She was 7 weeks pregnant, due 1 week before my birthday. We were thrilled for them. They are wonderful people and after 8 months of trying they most definitely deserved this happiness. We are confident they will make wonderful parents.

Friday I got a phone call from M letting me know she had miscarried Monday. She said they were both doing OK and that every day is getting a little easier. I feel awful for them. I can't imagine how it must feel to have to endure such a loss. How it must feel to be pregnant and then not be pregnant, without having a baby in my arms. I can't imagine the emptiness even after only knowing for a few days. I can't imagine how I would feel every year when my due date rolled around.

I just can't imagine.

This is what heaven feels like...

Let me begin by saying I love my children. But are they ever really any sweeter than when they are sleeping?

Right now, child #1 is playing happily at my parents house and child #2 is actually SLEEPING. In. Her. Crib. Unbelievable! This is the second day in a row that Sasha is taking a nap in her crib. Of course, now that I actually have the cojones to type that sentence, she will probably wake up. But, right now I am typing this while there isn't a child in sight. No "mommy!" every other second. No crying, no nursing. The sweet sound of just my fingers banging away on the keyboard and the white noise from Sasha's room coming through the monitor.

I have been on maternity leave for 13.5 weeks now and this is the 3rd time my daughter has napped in her crib. I'm very happy right now.

No naps for us

Read the baby books and they tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps. Nap while the baby naps. Use nap time to take time for yourself. That's fantastic advice, but what do you do when the baby doesn't nap, or only naps while being cradled in your arms?

You do:
watch endless hours of bad daytime television because you don't have a book to read and can't get to the bookstore or library to get a new one
occasionally fall asleep while holding the baby
figure out how to both hold the baby and use a laptop at the same time
spend a lot of time sitting on your ass thinking about all the things you could be doing if only the baby would sleep in her crib

You don't:
run errands because the baby hates her car seat and the car
get ANYTHING done
exercise (although let's be honest, I probably wouldn't anyway)
paint the rooms in the house I wanted to paint while on maternity leave (I can paint while the baby sleeps!)

4 more weeks

We attended my company picnic tonight and the same question was asked of me over and over again - when are you coming back? The answer is 4 more weeks.

That means I have 4 more weeks of seeing every smile, every tear, every blink and every everything my darling little girl emits.

I'm so torn on how I feel about going back to work. I know I am a better parent and wife when I work. I'm more balanced when I work. I get to go out of mom and wife mode for a little bit and turn into a little bit of different person. But at the same time, I know I will likely miss the first steps with Sasha, just like I did with Dylan. It was heartbreaking when Dave called me one day after picking D up from daycare and told me he had finally taken a couple of steps. I know I might miss the first word.

In 4 weeks I will no longer be there to rock her to sleep for naps and will no longer be there when she wakes up. In 4 weeks I will no longer nurse her throughout the day and feel her skin against mine. I will feel the cold hard plastic of breast pump cones instead. I won't be able to watch those beautiful eyelashes while she eats and watch them flutter in that yummy place between sleep and awake. I will watch the level on the bottle to make sure I pump enough for her to have milk for the next day. I won't get the smiles throughout the day which she gives me when she locks eyes with me. The smiles only I get. She smiles at other people, but those smile are a little bigger and brighter for me. The promise of that smile and the smile of her darling brother will get me through my day.

In 4 weeks I will have to hear about her days rather than live them. I will have to learn about my daughter's new accomplishments from another person rather than experience them myself.

In 4 weeks, I will drop my baby girl off for the day and will do it through tears just as I sit and type this through tears.

2 month stats

She grows, oh how she grows.

My little girl is now weighing in at a whopping 12 pounds 12 ounces (she was 6 pounds 8.5 ounces when we left the hospital) which puts her at the 90-95% on the charts. She is also 24" long which puts her at the 97% on the charts. Developmentally she is right on track.

Boob juice, it does a baby good.

The sick mommy

All the sleep deprivation of the last few months seem to have finally taken their toll and I am so totally and completely sick. Started on Monday and here I sit on Thursday still feeling like a hammer to the head would feel better than the sinus headache I am enduring.

Yesterday I made Dave take a sick day and today he pretty much played hookie. I've seen my daughter for feedings and have hardly seen my son at all. He misses me.

My big baby is almost 4.5 years old and I still think of him as my baby. He still has dimples on his hands rather than knuckles and still has yummy baby cheeks that I want to eat up. My little baby is developing chunk all over and also has yummy cheeks I want to eat up. I've had to keep my distance because I am sick.

I can't wait to eat those yummy cheeks again.

Dreams

Dylan has finally started telling us about his dreams. The other night he dreamt he went sledding with Dave and fell and slipped on the ice. It's made us laugh and has also made us very happy we're creating dream worthy memories with him.


Dreams are a strange thing. They are the images we see while our eyes are closed. They are wishes for the future. They reveal our fears, our desires. They allow us to relive our past and maybe get a glimpse into the future. I have had only one dream about my baby during both of my pregnancies. When I was about 6 months pregnant with Sasha I had a dream I had a baby girl and she looked just like me. Well, here she is and she does.


We can even be stalked in our dreams. For years I would have dreams about a specific ex-boyfriend finding me. About running into him randomly and having to deal with the one person I never, EVER, want to see again. I think those dreams have finally stopped. But you never know when they might be back.


I feel I am at a point where I have stopped having dreams for myself. All my dreams these days are for my children. For them to grow up and be happy, be healthy, have fulfilling lives. To be educated, to value what that education brings to their lives and to someday have families of their own and know the love and happiness having children brings. I dream my children will be close the way my brother and I are to each other. To know that no matter what, they have each other. Yes, my dreams are for my children.


I have also come to realize I need to start dreaming for myself again, too. I need to think about myself in terms of me. Clara. Not always mom or wife. Sometimes it's just me and that it's ok to just think about me. To dream for just me. To dream about the places I'd like to go. The places I haven't been because I chose to have children young. To dream about the adventures I would like to have. To dream of the week long spa vacation with girlfriends I swear I will take someday to rediscover who I am without having to take care of my husband or kids. To dream of the business I will start someday. To work for myself and make my own rules. To truly benefit from my own work and know that my success or failure is based on me and me alone. To dream of perfecting a cheesecake one day - the only thing I bake. To dream of having the time to take a cooking class here and there.

Every night, the dreams keep coming and I hope they never stop.

2 Months

I won't lie, the last 2 months have been very trying. Sasha doesn't like sleep, she doesn't like to lay down on the floor, she doesn't really like her crib.

However, no matter what, the last 2 months have also been fantastic as I watch a new person take shape before my very eyes. And, since I am always to be in the room with the little babe, my eyes are on her all the time. Her best feature is her smile. When she smiles she is completely lit up from within. It's as if the sun is literally shining on me through her.

She's definitely a different baby than Dylan was. Dylan loved to lounge on his own and stretch out. Sasha loves to be held and cuddles in so close I feel like she is going to make her back inside of me. She isn't a big fan of sleep during the day and she fights sleep like crazy. The only somewhat easy way to get her to sleep is to rock her then hold her in tight for almost an hour. Then, and only then, can we even dare to put her down to sleep for the night. Thankfully, then she sleeps.

I have spent a lot of time over the last two months thinking about what it means to have a daughter. Hoping I have with her what I have with my own mother. Hoping and dreaming that I will be close with my daughter.

I hope I will be the one she confides in the first time she kisses a boy, the first time she falls in love, the first time her heart is broken and all the other firsts along the way. I hope I'll be self aware enough during those times to remember how it feels and to remember how I didn't want to hear not to get too excited about the love, or that the heartbreak will end. I hope to remember that all I wanted was for someone to listen and be just as excited as I was or cry along side me. And, when or if she asks, I hope the have the courage to do something my own mother never did - to share my own experiences. The good, the bad, and the VERY ugly to help her learn about life.

I hope I have the courage to be honest with her when she asks me the hard questions. The questions that make me relive my past or reveal my pre-mom self to her. What was your first love like? Have you ever done drugs? When did you lose your virginity? What are your regrets in life? And when she asks me the toughest question of all , "What should I do?" I hope I have the strength to guide her to discover the answer on her own rather than just giving her the answer.

Who I Was

Every now and then a person resurfaces from our past and reminds us of who we were before we knew who we were. Before we went through the self-discovery and self-awareness that comes with moving away from home, going through relationships, getting married and having children.

This happened to me recently. I was contacted by someone from my past who has made me reflect. He's made me reflect on the naive kid I was when I knew him.

I was a motorcycle jacket wearing, concert going, cigarette sneaking 15-year-old girl who so desperately wanted to be older. To move on to what was "important." To move on to college, moving out of mom and dad's house, on to career, to marriage, to family. I was so concerned with what the future might hold I never properly enjoyed the moment.

In true teenage girl fashion, EVERYTHING was the end of the world. I was much weaker then than I would like to admit. I hurt too easily. I took everything to heart. Every friendship was to last forever and every word spoken cut me to my core.

I was the girl who trusted everyone and loved too easily. I was the girl who took longer to get over her first heartbreak than the relationship lasted in the first place. I learned a lot in the process of getting over it and I'm eternally grateful for that learning. I learned that I would not allow anyone to take away my happiness or, rather, allow myself to think it had been taken. I learned that my happiness is in my own hands. I know no one can dictate how I feel except for me.

There are other things I learned the year I knew my old friend. I learned girls are mean and will stab you in the back in a blink of an eye if it suits their needs. I learned that some friendships are only meant to exist for short periods of time.

Since then, I learned that some lessons if life hurt like hell while you are going through them, but are worth it in the end. I've also learned I wouldn't be who I am without having been who I was.